Archive for the ‘porn’ Category

10 Reasons Not To Enlarge Your Penis

Sunday, December 25th, 2011

1. You’re a woman – you ain’t got one!

2. You already have an erection!

3. As far as most women are concerned (and many men too) it isn’t size that counts but what you can do with it!

4. Scientific research suggests that silicon impants are dangerous – and simply ingesting herbs doesn’t work!

5. Adding three inches to your donger would make your balls look distressingly small by way of comparison!

6. You’re already a complete dick so you don’t need to make yourself a bigger one!

7. A small blood sausage is easier to swallow (a variation on the small is beautiful argument)!

8. Herbal remedies are a rip-off – why waste your money?

9.. Too great a fixation on genital size and pleasure is phallocentric and will result in most women (and many men) viewing you as a complete cock!

10. If you really want to reclaim your manhood then you’ve got to learn to love it just the way it is!

And while you’re at it don’t forget to check – www.stewarthomesociety.org – you know it makes (no) sense!

The sinful nuns of St Valentine meet the Marquis de Sade at the Borders closing down ‘sale’….

Sunday, December 13th, 2009

Watching capitalist corporations fail is a groove sensation, and it takes me right back to everything from the three day week to the ‘winter of discontent’ in the 1970s. All those who love power cuts will recall that the mid-1970s was a real peak for this type of fun in London. As a long-term fan of this great anti-tradition, you can’t keep me out of shops that are closing down. The last 12 months has been a real bonanza for entertainments of this type: first there was the closure of Woolworths, then there was Zavvi, now there is Borders (UK)! Okay, so the flagship Borders store in Oxford Street has already gone, but the sense of chaos and anti-climax in the still just hanging-on-by-a-thread Charing Cross Road branch really gives me the horn. The stock is in disarray, with books and DVDs spilling off half-empty shelves, the toilets (for me what was once the main attraction in the shop) are closed, and there are mugs and other breakable crap – rather than bestsellers – at the front of the shop. The place looks like the set for a disaster movie, which is why for as long as it remains open I’ll continue to goof around in this wrecked ‘retail’ space…

That said, now Borders is closing I only go for the ambiance (rather than ‘Toilet Love’), and to laugh at those buying goods that after being marked up to more than twice their market value are currently being sold at between 20% and 50% ‘discount’. One of the things that caused me to chuckle on the ground floor of Borders while I was enjoying the chaos there on Friday was a display of Redemption DVDs. These were priced at £7.99 minus 30% discount (i.e. £5.60), and there were some Eurosleaze classics among them including a whole bunch of Jean Rollin lesbian vampire movies… But you can buy many of these on Amazon Market Place for around £4 (including postage), or if you can’t wait for them to arrive by mail, all the titles in Borders and many more are sold in Lovejoys a couple of minutes walk down Charing Cross Road at £6.99 each or 2 for £12 (i.e. £6 each when you buy two – not greatly more than the Borders sale price). Likewise I’ve seen these Redemption titles around in secondhand shops at about £3. Which means, of course,  that even in the Borders sale, these items (like most of their discounted stock) still pan out as being more expensive than picking them up elsewhere. So don’t bother with the sale, just dig the collapse…. or go in dressed in an over-sized coat….

And talking of Redemption, I read a truly bizarre story by Lucy Tobin about this company in The Evening Standard on Thursday 10 December, entitled Film firm that made Koo a star collapses: “The cult movie empire whose back catalogue includes the risqué films of Prince Andrew’s former lover Koo Stark has collapsed into administration. Redemption Films, based in Wigmore Street, Soho, was set up by Nigel Wingrove, Britain’s answer to Hustler publisher Larry Flynt. Administrators were called in today at the distributor of gothic horror movies, whose past titles range from Sinful Nuns Of St Valentine to Ms Stark’s cult 1977 hit The Marquis De Sade’s Justine….”

There is a lot of misinformation to unpack in this story, but let’s start with the headline, since Redemption Films did not make Koo Stark a star. Redemption was set up in the 1990s and Stark became a minor starlet on the back of a couple of mid-seventies movies -  Emily (1976) and Cruel Passion AKA De Sade’s Justine (1977) – and then briefly a media celebrity in the 1980s when she dated inbred British royal brat Prince Andrew (“The Duke of York”). All Redemption did was acquire some of Stark’s back catalogue as a film actress and issue it on VHS tape and then DVD long after she’d become a household name in the UK.

Likewise, I find the idea of Redemption being a soft porn ‘empire’ on the same scale as Larry Flynt’s American Hustler operation risible (it is about on a par with suggesting that ‘Boris Johnson is Britain’s answer to Barack Obama’). During the 1990s my friend Nik Houghton worked for Nigel Wingrove and I went into their office on the odd occasion; at that time the business consisted of Wingrove and his part-time assistant Nik in a moderately sized room. Wingrove’s operation may have grown a bit since then, and it has definitely moved to a slightly more upmarket address, but it is still closer to a cult-film one-man band than a porn empire! However, as ever with The Standard, the point of the piece seems to be to pack in as much gossip as possible, rather than to report news. Therefore it should surprise no one that Wingrove’s professional involvement with Georgina Baillie – ‘the granddaughter of Andrew Sachs who was at the centre of the Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand telephone scandal’ – gets a passing mention too.

For anyone who has looked into the ways cult films and music are milked for profits, I’d see Redemption going into administration as business as usual within this sector of the culture industry. Cult means niche and there are usually very few buyers for operations in really specialist areas like Oi! music or Eurosleaze films; therefore a businessman (or woman) who knows their way around one of these ‘cult’ areas will often run their limited liability company into bankruptcy while paying themselves a hefty salary. This is a way of writing off debts, because the ‘former’ owner can buy up the assets of the concern they’ve deliberately run down for less than a song: they use another company they’ve set up for this purpose and then proceed to do the same thing again, and again, and again! And what’s more, given that we live in a capitalist society, this is more or less legal! It is precisely the sort of thing so called ‘wealth generators’ do for ‘a living’ and illustrates why businessmen and bankers should not be allowed to reward themselves with anything above an average workers’ wage, let alone ‘bonuses’. I don’t know if this is how Nigel Wingrove operates, but I am familiar with other individuals working in the cult sector of the culture industry who do business this way.

If Wingrove was planning to write off his debts by buying himself out, The Standard story could be bad news for him, since it might stir up interest from other ‘wealth generators’. That said, Wingrove is also a film-maker himself, so perhaps he just wants out…. Moving on, if you believe what you read in The Standard, you may well have been hoaxed into thinking I wrote the Belle de Jour blog and books, so it isn’t exactly surprising their Nigel Wingrove and Redemption Films story is so inaccurate!

And while you’re at it don’t forget to check – www.stewarthomesociety.org – you know it makes (no) sense!

‘Famous’ glamour model Sammy Marshall stars in amazing one pound porno bargains including “Golden Shower Girls” & “Lesbian Amateur”!!!

Monday, October 12th, 2009

Yes, those crazy non-erotic soft porn DVDs are invading UK pound shops once again, which led Justin to comment on my Jenna Jameson blog of a few days ago: “Have you noticed that Poundland actually sell porn DVDs?” Well, I blogged about the porno on offer in pound shops back in the days when I was posting on MySpace. Poundland still seem to be concentrating on the more ‘tasteful’ Penthouse and Electric Blue type stuff. Pound shops stuffed with trash DVDs, let alone euro or dollar shops selling anything at all, are in short supply in inner London; but the same shirt turns up at the same prices on market stalls in Whitecross Street and elsewhere (okay, I lied, a lot of these DVDs go for 50p when they turn up down Whitecross Street – never trust a Londoner!). Two years ago, I was more impressed with what was on offer in Poundgate in Glasgow than Poundland. However, when I gave a talk at the Streetlevel Gallery a few weeks ago, very close to where Poundgate used to be, I noticed the shop had gone. Anyway, here’s what I had to say about their porno DVDs a couple of years back:

“Poundgate was doing titles like Lust In The Grass (although personally I’d prefer Lust In The Dust as the ‘hard’ sell end of a tiresome video of a Czech chick getting ‘filthy’ – double entendre – in her garden), Bondage Party (you can see a picture of that here) and Best of Sammy Marshall (image of that here). I’d never heard of Sammy Marshall but a web search led me directly to her site (this was nearly two years ago, the site is no longer up): ‘Sammy Marshall. A model for around 20 years now, I’ve been published in all the top shelf magazines, page 3, calendars etc, and have also been in various movies. I also do lap dancing and strip shows all over the country…’ The Internet Movie Data Base provides the following filmography for Ms Marshall: Women That Wank: Volume 1 (2004), British Bitches in Leather (2001), Best of Single Sensations 1 (2001), Girls in Uniform 1 (2001), Dodger DVD 2 (2001),  Dodger DVD 25 (2001), Golden Shower Girls 1 (2001), The Bitch: Best of Sammy Marshall (2000), Lesbian Amateur (1998), Mistress Leather (1997), Fetish Special 4 (1996).”

Having checked, I see that no new titles have been added to her IMDB filmography, so I guess Sammy Marshall’s glamour career ain’t going so well. You now need to add at least a year to the estimated age I gave Sammy in what I went on to say, but it looks like I judged things about right.

“At 34 Sammy Marshall has obviously reached a career peak as far as her work as a glamour model goes, but you can still book her: ‘My rates start from £40 per hour. I tailor every job to your specific requirements and my rates change accordingly. Please contact me to discuss your needs and we can agree a price. Minimum booking time is 2 hours, unless petrol money paid on top. If you want me for more than two hours then we can come to a special discount arrangement on price. All day bookings are £250. If you require a model release, then that’s an extra £25 on top. I will work all over the country but may ask for petrol money if it’s a long way. i.e. Newcastle. I will not do any anal, water-sports, animals or anything illegal. If you would like any more information on my work please contact me. Email sammy@sammymarshall.co.uk… Facing the future and the glamour age barrier that she’s already hit, Ms Marshall is now acting as an agent for other dancers and models. Check her r18models site…”

The r18models site is still up, albeit with slightly fewer models than last time I looked. And for me it makes the world of glamour modelling look distinctly unattractive. In fact, neither it nor one pound porno DVDs are at all tempting…  I still prefer horror and crime as movie genres to bored housewives getting it on with candle sticks and water hoses in their suburban homes and gardens…. And if you want to book Sammy Marshall for a stag night or whatever, she now appears to be managed by the Stand and Deliver Booking Agency, who specialise in supplying comedians! You gotta laugh!

And while you’re at it don’t forget to check – www.stewarthomesociety.org – you know it makes (no) sense!

Banned by YouTube but “10 Erotic Movies” is available once again via Vimeo

Saturday, September 26th, 2009

I finally got around to adding my banned YouTube video 10 Erotic Movies to my Vimeo account. Check it out and marvel at the fact that after 21,442 hits, YouTube banned this for inappropriate content:

<http://vimeo.com/6740722>

Despite this, I’m continuing to post the odd video to YouTube, since that platform has a larger and more active user base than Vimeo. My most recent YouTube posting is Shoreditch Shredding Machine Massacre:

<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJELyF3yrSs>

But if the countdown from 10 to 1 in 10 Erotic Movies is inappropriate for YouTube, then we really do need to concentrate on building our own sites well away from corporately owned Web 2.o franchises, in order to avoid such blatantly stupid censorshit. The YouTube user base has a reputation for running on a low level of collective intelligence, but my feeling is this simply reflects the way the site is managed.

I’m not a member of YouPorn, RedTube or PornTube or indeed any ‘adult orientated’ Web 2.o site. This is in part because it would be genuinely inappropriate to upload works of mine such as 10 Erotic Movies to platforms dedicated to the free sharing and distribution of hardcore pornography. However, it seems to me that YouTube could resolve some of the issues it has around inappropriate content by plugging YouPorn – so that those searching for or wanting to post hardcore pornography on YouTube went elsewhere. Doing this would demonstrate that those managing YouTube have matured a little, and until the censorship crazy zealots running this platform learn to behave a little bit more reasonably, they can hardly expect a broad swathe of their members to use their ‘service’ in a sensible manner.

And while you’re at it don’t forget to check – www.stewarthomesociety.org – you know it makes (no) sense!

Help me write a paper on porn…

Friday, January 23rd, 2009

Oh why do I get myself into these situations…. the gorgeous Jane Lewty asked if I’d contribute to a book on porn. Since Jane moved to the USA to take up an academic post there I haven’t seen much of her, and I figured if I said yes to the sex assignment it would mean we’d have to meet for a drink or three when she was back in the UK for vacations – to discuss the progress of my paper of course! However, having failed to write a word so far, I was forced to blow Jane off when she was in London for the winter solstice…. Now the 1 February deadline is looming and I still haven’t done a stroke of work on this.  I find it a lot easier to produce pornography than write about it. I don’t even have a title yet, which is why I need your help. And if anyone has an unpublished academic paper on porn they could let me use, that would be even better! Underneath this is the original call for papers…. so you can bounce ideas into the comments, or if you have a usable unpublished paper on the subject it might be better to private message me via the webmail form on the main part of this site. All help appreciated!

Pornotopias: Image, Apocalypse, Desire
eds. Louis Armand, Jane Lewty, Andrew Mitchell
Prague: Litteraria Pragensia, 2008

Bodily existence is an existence lived in constant fascination with a world beyond one’s reach. Embodiment, desire, metaphor. To exist on the verge of nonexistence. In the headlong pursuit of the real, of the other. Of the base materiality of the world, of religious hypothesis, of absolute relativity. Every utopia is a pornography, a recrudescence and pathological disillusionment, a lure into the vortex—paradoxical annulment of pure reason, compulsion, repetition, consumption.

A fact of bodily existence is to know that the body is our most complex and multi-faceted machine in a world of incessant technological progress. The body is a marvel of engineering; it is the outward face of primal nature; it is a disgusting vessel in which to house the soul; it is a primitive device, fragile and disposable. Bodies are re-produced, experimented upon to the limits of their tolerance, dissected and debated to every last cell, mended, prosthetically enhanced, moralised, abused and adored. The interface with the world we live in means that the body is always laid open to scrutiny without ever simply constituting some thing within our grasp: it is the site where violence and metaphysics interchange, technicity and catatonia, the sublime and the grotesque.

The body cannot be neutral or indifferent. Its design is such that it must respond to both exterior challenge and interior impulse. Our means of survival, the sex act, galvanizes the body into a unique state of existence, which, though transient, becomes the essence of being; the concentration of an idea, the heightening of sense, the ultimate dissolution.

How to write this purposeful transformation? How to write this instantaneous, ephemeral shattering of perception? This is the task of pornography. Our project will present the body in its most extreme of forms and behaviour, all of which demonstrate the human attempt to satisfy, and solve, the oft-inchoate needs of our psychology and physicality. We seek papers which deal with pornography as condition, symptom, addiction, spectacle, product, simulacrum. Above all as a fundamentalism embedded in the very structures of representation, knowledge, non-knowledge and the unpresentable.

Contributions of up to 6000 words, including images (jpeg 300dpi), should be sent to the editors. Final deadline for contributions: 1 February 2009. So we have a week!

And while you’re at it don’t forget to check – http://www.stewarthomesociety.org/ – you know it makes (no) sense!