Archive for June, 2012

10 Reasons To Get Rid Of All Your Printed Books!

Friday, June 29th, 2012

1. Once your book collection runs into double figures it takes up too much space and due to its weight is a drag to cart it around if you move!

2. Most books aren’t worth the paper they are printed on!

3. Plastic bottles filled with liquid make for better improvised weights than books. With bottles you can add water or pour it out to adjust the weight; and they are a much better shape (fairly close to a dumbbell) for working out with!

4. Printed books are so last century and having a collection of them makes you even sadder than a vinyl fetishist!

5. They’re a dust trap – so get rid of them if you don’t want to be sneezed at!

6. Most people will interpret whatever books you have visible in your pad as evidence of your poor taste (although their judgements on this score may or may not be right)!

7. Most of your reference needs are better served by the internet!

8. Old books often smell of damp!

9. A two-handed wank is better than a one-handed read!

10. Pulitzer Prize-winning novelist Richard Russo numbers among those who’ve refused to allow their recent novels to be sold as e-books. Anyone who has won the Pulitzer Prize isn’t worth reading; and if those who make the mistake of writing something that ‘merits’ such an award are horrified by the demise of the printed book then it is definitely worth dumping (on) them!

And while you’re at it don’t forget to check – www.stewarthomesociety.org – you know it makes (no) sense!

Barbaric Genius directed by Paul Duane

Monday, June 25th, 2012

Barbaric Genius is a documentary about John Healy who was born in London during World War II. Healy went on to be an army boxer, then a homeless street drinker and petty criminal before learning chess from a fellow con at the age of 30. After release from jail he became a chess champion and was particularly adept at playing multiple games simultaneously. Realising he’d learnt chess too late to become a grandmaster, Healy gave up the game and wrote an acclaimed autobiography The Grass Arena (1988). He fell out with his publishers Faber and Faber in the early nineties over nothing very much and his memoir was taken out of print in English.

Duane focuses on Healy as a character. Healy’s street drinking, chess playing and disputes with his publisher are at the core of this documentary. There is little about Healy’s time in the army and as a boxer: and nothing about his second book, the novel Streets Above Us. I guess this is because to have included everything that happened to Healy over the past seven decades would have slowed and complicated the film’s driving narrative.

Once Duane has addressed Healy’s (undeserved) ongoing reputation for violence and time living rough on the streets of north London, the screen unexpectedly goes white and and the narrative shifts to Healy’s yoga practice and spiritual interests. Healy demonstrates various poses and obviously has remarkable flexibility for his age. That said, a jump cut from the final yoga sequence to Healy walking Charlie Chaplin-style with his feet splayed apart like a penguin dramatically undercuts any notion viewers may be harbouring that he is a fully fledged yogi. Healy walks with a gait that is typical of a Londoner of his class and gender; whereas someone who’d properly mastered yogic techniques and integrated them into their life could reasonably be expected to move with their feet parallel to one another. That said, Healy appears more interested in meditation than the physical aspects of yoga, so while his development of the practice looks to be a little one-sided, it reflects his interests and personality. I really dig the way Duane shows us things like this rather than tells them to us. Duane also illustrates very well (without ever explicitly mentioning it) that Healy finds it easier to get on with middle-class women than upper-class men; although this probably has at least as much to do with sexism within the bourgeoisie as Healy’s troubled relationship with his father.

What I found most interesting about Barbaric Genius is the way it depicts through Healy the class biases of the English literary establishment. While Healy was treated in a particularly vindictive way by Faber and Faber (and specifically by Robert McCrum), his story is far from unique. Writers from ordinary backgrounds are consistently under-valued by the bourgeois literary establishment: and this is as true for best-selling names like John King or Irvine Welsh as for everyone else who isn’t a posh boy. The publishing industry in the UK still favours ‘writers’ with a private education followed by a stint at Oxbridge since they come from the same privileged background as those who generally edit and review books. Obviously, standards of writing and intellectual debate are driven downwards by the limited world-view and experience of these plodding clots.

McCrum is clearly the villain in Duane’s movie – and rightly so because he is a stereotypical example of the over-privileged and completely untalented tosser who would have never got anywhere  close to the ‘successes’ he’s enjoyed in his life were it not for his family background. When McCrum describes Healy as angry and resentful he might just as well be talking about himself. The reason literary pond-life like McCrum hate working class writers in general, and Healy in particular, is because without the benefits of a fancy education they are still objectively way more intelligent than a moron like this former Faber and Faber and Observer literary editor. Among other things, Duane is to be applauded for demonstrating so well that Robert McCrum is a vindictive little twerp.

And while you’re at it don’t forget to check – www.stewarthomesociety.org – you know it makes (no) sense!

A Boil In The Bag Blog

Saturday, June 23rd, 2012

This blog is designed to be heated from either frozen or thawed. Use a pot big enough to hold 1 to 1 ½ gallons of water. Bring water to a rolling boil. At least 24 hours earlier you should have printed out a copy of this blog, placed it in an supermarket carrier bag and frozen. Remove blog from your freezer (or fridge if you have defrosted it – please note once frozen this blog should always be defrosted in a fridge and never at room temperature), place in boiling water and set a timer according how soggy you like your prose. When the timer goes off, carefully pour the hot water and bagged blog into a colander that has been placed in a clean sink. Once all the water has drained, open the bag and carefully pour the blog into a serving dish and offer for sale as a work of art for £5000 (or your local currency equivalent). You should film the printing, freezing and boiling of this blog. Edited highlights may be posted on YouTube, Vimeo and other web platforms of your choice.

And while you’re at it don’t forget to check – www.stewarthomesociety.org – you know it makes (no) sense!

10 Best Ways To Fail

Monday, June 18th, 2012

1. Elegantly – that’s with a massive advance from a production company or publisher and no audience!

2. Spectacularly – as success slips from you’re fingers you realise that in a few moments you’ll be dead!

3. Hypocritically – by being evil when your motto is ‘don’t be evil’!

4. Hypothetically – that’s when your visualisations of your future success are so good you can’t be bothered with the actuality.

5. Happily – by realising that you didn’t want a house in the Hollywood Hills or to be chased around by the paparazzi anyway.

6. Secretly – since all success is relative and is ultimately an illusion.

7. Excessively – by falling down assorted search engine rankings after massively over-optimising the SEO on your website and being penalised for it.

8. Technically – due to injury you escape without personal blame for your lack of success.

9. Categorically – by aiming too high and trying too hard (i.e. by willing something that could never become so-called ‘universal law’).

10. Ethically – by being unfaithful to everything you ever believed in (especially if that happens to be the sanctity of marriage or monogamy).

And while you’re at it don’t forget to check – www.stewarthomesociety.org – you know it makes (no) sense!