Archive for July, 2012

London Disappears & Is Replaced By A Fake Olympic Image Of Itself!

Sunday, July 29th, 2012

Even before the opening ceremony for the Olympics central London was strangely deserted. There were less people most places I went and a lot less traffic. Every now and then I’d run up against barriers to hold back crowds that were supposedly going to materialise to watch the Olympic flame procession – but I was pleasantly surprised by how few people appeared to be interested in this, although the media and Olympic organisers claim this non-event attracted huge crowds.

Now when I go into corner shops – such as newsagents – the owners complain that the Olympics has ruined their business. The endless warnings to locals to get away from London to avoid the total disruption of their lives, added to the fact that the roads are  carved up with Stalinist Zil lanes reserved exclusively for official traffic, have had the effect of transforming much of the British capital into a ghost town. Not even the city’s notoriously right-wing black cab drivers (many are ex-cops) seem to like the London Games because they’ve been banned from driving in the Zil lanes.

While the cops have cracked down on protesters – for example by  kettling and arresting those attending a regular pro-cycling Critical Mass rally – and the Olympics itself is pumped up with corporate and nationalistic bullshit, having less cars running around the city is fabulous. The air is cleaner and the streets are safer! So why not make this upside to the Olympics permanent – by banning cars and black cabs from London forever?

And while you’re at it don’t forget to check – www.stewarthomesociety.org – you know it makes (no) sense!

2012 Olympics Are Crap Says US Expert

Thursday, July 26th, 2012

Dr Al Ackerman, a noted expert on the many pleasurable ways it is possible to manipulate Chinese anal love beads, says the London 2012 Olympics are crap. Dr Ackerman’s criticisms focus on the fact that instead of concentrating on real sports like topless tennis, nude mud wrestling and bedroom athletics, the organisers have turned the event into a fashion parade. “The original Olympic spirit was naked as nature intended,” Dr Ackerman opines by Skype from his Baltimore home, “I could spend all day watching nude gymnastics but what’s the point if the performers are wearing post-modern designer leotards? The ancient Greeks stripped off for all their sporting activities and we should do the same. I’m not impressed with the cultural Olympiad either – rather than theatre in the round it should feature theatre in the buff!”

Dr Ackerman, known to friends as Blaster thanks to the pungent odour of his farts, also criticised the choice of sponsors for London 2012. “McDonald’s meals might give you indigestion but the flatulence produced by a Big Mac is a damp squib compared to the effect of a really good burrito. If you’re gonna sit on your ass watching sports on TV you should definitely be eating tacos rather than burgers.” Blaster insists.

Ackerman explains that: “The miasma that gradually builds up  from your burrito farts will get you high, but don’t forget to keep the windows and door closed. Once I’m really out of it on that tangy taco stink I like to slip a pillow case over my head. Have a pillow slip to hand with a single slit cut into it for your third eye, coz if you’re watching fit athletes with super strong legs – Venus Williams for example -  you may have a mystic experience. But that ain’t gonna happen if you’re chomping on Big Macs. Rather than accepting sponsorship from the likes of McDonald’s, the Olympic organisers should have sought out backing from burrito merchants. Likewise Coca-Cola as a 2012 backer is a joke! Why they didn’t approach a company that made a decent drink like Four Roses bourbon or Thunderbird wine?”

So there you have it – the London Olympics are crap! That’s official!

And while you’re at it don’t forget to check – www.stewarthomesociety.org – you know it makes (no) sense!

Humour Shortage Devastates Blogosphere!

Tuesday, July 24th, 2012

The blogosphere has been hit by a humour shortage following an influx of blogs secretly funded by major corporations to boost the poor public images of companies such as Wal-Mart. Comments on social media are also becoming increasingly dry as a result of PR driven astroturfing campaigns and spam comments designed to boost the search engine rankings of commercial websites. Research indicates that the blogosphere is now 67% less humorous than it was 5 years ago and the situation is getting worse.

Mister Trippy can confirm that this blog has been inundated with astroturf and spam comments in recent weeks.

Supplies of jokes, one-liners and humorous ripostes are running low as UK based blogs attempt to ward off the cavalcade of corporate crap brought together under the aegis of the London 2012 Olympics. This week London bloggers appealed to independent media producers and the public for help.

Avant-garde pornographer and blogger Stewart Home told one of his other 665 schizophrenic multiple personalities: “The wet weather has meant we are running out of jokes. Traditionally London has an over production of humorous blogs but the continuous rain we’ve suffered over the previous three months has prevented many local bloggers from getting into the kind of social situations that might be mined for their humour.”

“It is sunny now and I’m enjoying seeing lots of people (and especially thrity-something women AKA MILF) in skimpy outfits – but the hot weather has only been with us for a couple of days and is not expected to last into the weekend.”

“The lack of opportunity to flirt and engage in other types of social banter has been a huge drain on my ability to generate fresh jokes and I am hoping people from outside London will help me make up the shortfall by leaving witty comments on my blogs; as well as by sending me examples of their home porn.”

“Donations of jokes, one-liners and humorous ripostes are gratefully appreciated and can be left as comments below this post. Women aged 21 and over can contact me through the web mail form on my site to arrange ways in which I might view their home porn.”

According to new figures released this week, Mister Trippy has seen a 52 per cent increase in the number of jokes he cracks online over the past three years. A large number of the these gags are sexual in nature and require social interaction to inspire them.

Tessie Talk (another of Mister Trippy’s multiple personalities) added: “Humour is the only sane response to an insane capitalist world – without it even more people would be cracking up..”

And while you’re at it don’t forget to check – www.stewarthomesociety.org – you know it makes (no) sense!

10 Places Not To Eat In London During The 2012 Olympics

Friday, July 20th, 2012

Much of what I say below is well known and would apply at all times and not just during the 2012 Olympics – junk food always tastes nasty. Nonetheless it seems worth reiterating a few basic facts about McDonald’s as a scummy corporation and Olympic sponsor (seasoned with some comments about other really crap fast food and coffee chains).

1. Any branch of McDonald’s – as official Olympic sponsors McDonald’s have prevented other food outlets selling chips in the Olympic area; and this despite the fact they only sell french fries made from reconstituted potato and not chips (which are sliced and fried potatoes). This chip ban is yet another McDonald’s’ public relations disaster and it has received plenty of coverage in the UK media. Back in the 1990s there was The McLibel Trial, when this giant corporation took two London based activists to court for documenting its poor environmental, health and labor records, only to discover such a heavy handed approach to legitimate criticism backfired. The book Fast Food Nation (2001) by Eric Schlosser addresses how McDonald’s uses its political influence to increase its profits at the expense of people’s health and the social conditions of its workers. Schlosser  also criticises McDonald’s for targeting its advertising at children. In 2002 McDonald’s were successfully sued for misrepresenting its French fries as vegetarian, when they contained beef broth. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA)  continues to pressure McDonald’s to change its animal welfare standards.

2. Any branch of YO! Sushi – The food goes around the restaurant on a convey belt and you take off what you want. Despite labels supposedly telling you when the food should be consumed by (I don’t remember ever seeing one – but then it is years since I first and last ate in a branch of this chain and on that sole occasion I was a victim of  ‘corporate hospitality’) you might as well be eating at a buffet. The chances are the food is not going to be that fresh, but then the experience might appeal to connoisseurs of that variant on Russian roulette that I call botulism roulette.

3. Anywhere in Stratford. Back in the 1980s the old Stratford shopping centre had the last branch of The Golden Egg I can recall seeing anywhere in England. That cafe was a relic from my childhood.  Set up by Philip and Reggie Kaye in the early 1960s, the Golden Egg chain brought a jazzy mood to eating in British low-price popular restaurants through riotous colour schemes and brilliant opaline lights. Right through the 1980s and into the 1990s Stratford had a gritty if run down urban vibe. The Olympic development seems to be a final attempt to get rid of that and since it and the new Westfield shopping centre will be packed out with tourists during the Olympics, it is a place to be avoided at all costs this summer. For a taste of old Stratford check out Bronco Bullfrog (1970, directed by Barney Platts-Mills) – it isn’t the greatest movie in the world but has a nice title track by The Audience and shows Stratford at its peak.

4. Starbucks – mediocre coffee and mediocre sandwiches and snacks to go with it. The mediocre coffee of other big chains like Costa Coffee is also to be avoided… The best coffee in London is sold by smaller operations.

5. Pret A Manger – another soulless chain selling mediocre coffee and disgusting filled baguettes, soups, salads, croissants, muffins and cakes. ” Bad news for Londoners – 75% of this chain’s outlets are in the British capitol.

6. Pizza Hut – crummy pizzas, crap interior design.  You know you don’t want it!

7. Bella Italia – bad pasta and worse pizza. Part of the Tragus Group, who also own Cafe Rough and Strada – which should also be avoided. Rather than corporate chains like Bella Italia you’ll get much better food in family run Italian cafes and restaurants – the numbers of these small business in London seem to have declined but there are still many around.

8. Nando’s – a chain specialising in chicken dishes, this ‘restaurant’ is strictly for the birds. Same goes for KFC!

9. Burger King – McDonald’s by any other name stinks just as bad… McDonald’s and Coca-Cola might be the two big 2012 Olympic sponsors but it could just as well be Burger King and Pepsi for all the difference it makes. Both McDonald’s and Burger King sell junk food you really don’t want to eat coz it tastes like shit.

10. Anywhere in or around Russell Square – This area of central London seems to be housing a lot of the international media during the Olympics and has been transformed (along with Southampton Row that runs off it) into a major traffic bottleneck. More than a week before the Olympics began Russell Square seemed to have been largely emptied of traffic and filled with dozens of security personal in high-visibility jackets ordering around anyone who had the temerity to enter the area. Aside from Stratford itself, this part of Bloomsbury appears to the the worst place you could go in London during the Olympics!

And while you’re at it don’t forget to check – www.stewarthomesociety.org – you know it makes (no) sense!