Did you know that Neoism is a Nigerian money scam? On the one hand you go to those poetry sites where people cut and paste words and phrases together to form post-modern nonsense then, on the other hand, you get all this spam coming through which uses exactly the same technique to fill out the body of the email and avoid the spam filters, while sticking in an image which is an ad for some Venezuelan gerbil-farm’s stock offering. It’s great. I can’t get enough spam, which is why I spend all day submitting my name to as many goofball spam sites as I can. This morning I had 230,000 new emails and all of them full of great avant-garde poetry. Long live the New Neoism!
And you too can make money from these spamcore activities. All you have to do is collect spam and then submit it to those poetry competitions offering big cash prizes. As anybody who has met me knows, I like to maintain an archive of predatory spam culled from the mailboxes of my alter-egos. Unfortunately this archive is now in the hands of a wayward plastic ventriloquist doll called Tessie who is possessed by the spirit of Jayne Mansfield, and claims to be the mother of my teenage son. This means that I am currently unable to follow my favourite pursuit of sitting up through the small hours and screaming along as I rearrange spam emails into award winning poetry. But rest assured I don’t allow this hobby to endanger my health, since I do take frequent breaks to imbibe Springbank, Talisker and many other brands of single malt whiskey, and never spent more than 72 hours in a continuous sitting at my computer station. While I can’t provide you with a new poem here, I do have more than a million spam verses that I’d printed out before Tessie made off with my external hard drive. This is one of my favourites, assembled on 22 Oct 2007 :
COCK HUNGRY BI-SEXUAL REDHEAD
pretty young stripper
just 21 years old
dressed in a short skirt
lifts up her top to expose huge white tits
then spreading her twat wide
takes a double penetration
pretty young stripper
just 21 years old
is ripped up with a dildo
a hot steamy whore who likes her ass fondled
as Latino lesbians lick taco
to a 70s disco soundtrack
pretty young stripper
just 21 years old
likes to expose her cunt
a tight-rumped honey who spreads it around
and sucks cock like a champion
while she is pussy pumped from behind
And while you’re at it don’t forget to check – http://www.stewarthomesociety.org/ – you know it makes (no) sense!