Posts Tagged ‘conspiracy theory’

10 Greatest Conspiracy Theories Of All Time

Monday, December 5th, 2011

1. It was actually Jackie Kennedy who assassinated JFK in Dallas. He was shot from inside the car! Jackie was fed up with being paraded before the public as a trophy wife, and also with her husband indulging his sexual peccadilloes with hundreds of different prostitutes.

2. Julius Caesar faked his own death and having discovered the secret of immortality is actually the secret power behind the sub-prime mortgage speculation that led to the current financial collapse.

3. Using his vast financial resources Aristotle Onassis paid Nikola Tesla to construct a time machine, and then travelled back to the eighteenth-century. Once in the past Onassis created a fake identity as Adam Weishaupt – a professor of law at The University of Ingolsttadt – and then on 1 May 1776 founded the Bavarian Illuminati.

4. Albert Einstein plagiarised all his scientific theories from secret papers that originated with the The Knights Templar and that were passed down through the ages with the avowed intention of undermining twentieth-century civilisation.

5. After her death Princess Diana’s body was ritually carried around the sites of 69 stone circles in north-east Scotland. This is the basis of the book 69 Things To Do With A Dead Princess.

6. Howard Hughes wasn’t actually a recluse. Hughes switched identities with actress Jane Russell (who wanted to drop out of the public eye), so that he could indulge his penchant for cross-dressing in public without anybody realising he was a man.

7. The 9/11 attack was carried out by several Imperial Wizards of the Ku Klux Klan whose fascist world view led them to loath the city of New York and the US government in Washington.

8. Lady Gaga is the public face of a huge international plot by fashionistas to take control of the world.

9. Richard Nixon was innocent of any wrong doing over Watergate.

10. The real identity of the psychotic serial killer Jack The Ripper is beat novelist William Burroughs. This forms the basis of the book Down & Out In Shoreditch & Hoxton.

NB. There are no great conspiracy theories. You’d have to be off your trolley to believe the Templars organised the French revolution or that the Illuminati was ever in a position to seize world power (since it was a tiny sect that was completely suppressed in the eighteenth-century). Because for many years I have been plagued by conspiracy nuts who lack the wit to work out that material like the stuff in this post is satiric, it is unfortunately necessary to point that out here. There are, of course, political conspiracies of which Watergate is an example – but vast consciously organised conspiracies on a global scale simply aren’t practical. Or to put it another way, if you think the World Trade Centre in New York was destroyed by the US government using controlled demolition from within the buildings, then you’re a nutjob who’d believe almost anything!

And while you’re at it don’t forget to check – www.stewarthomesociety.org – you know it makes (no) sense!

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Posted in humour, scam | 30 Comments »

Yes, the bozos who claimed I was Belle de Jour were completely deluded!

Tuesday, November 17th, 2009

A 34 year-old Bristol based research scientist called Dr Brooke Magnanti has outed herself as the ‘real’ author of the Belle de Jour blog and books. These texts ‘documented’ the life of a high-class London call girl. Dr Magnanti claims her writing is an authentic record of the time she spent working as a prostitute to fund the final phase of her PhD research. I haven’t looked deeply into the various proofs that Dr Magnanti is Belle, but plenty of news journalists have and they seem convinced by them. So while I can’t say with absolutely certainty that Dr Magnanti is Belle, it seems to me to be rather unlikely that she isn’t.

One thing I am absolutely certain of is that I didn’t write the Belle de Jour blog and books despite the claims to the contrary made by various conspiracy nuts. Although the media (most notably The Evening Standard and The Guardian) ran with this story, it didn’t originate with them and I was never under the impression they believed it to be true; they covered the claim without taking any very strong line on it because it made a good story. I benefited from the publicity and sold books as a result, while the journalists in question were paid and generated profits for their bosses.

Curiously, it appears that the majority of those who made and repeated the claim that I was Belle de Jour as if they personally believed it, did so out of spite and malice. It is therefore ironic that their activities helped rather than harmed me. The endless conspiracy theories propagated by these bozos were so ludicrous – involving as they did interminable and utterly fantastic international ‘criminal’ and ‘political’ outrages – that no one took them seriously. It was even claimed that when I temporarily took the position of writer-in-residence at Strathclyde University, I’d ‘fled’ to Scotland in a vain attempt to avoid arrest by the cops. Despite the linked assertion that my incarceration for endless heinous sex crimes was imminent, I remain at liberty…

In fact, beyond a handful of nutters, no one who’d looked into the matter ever believed I was Belle de Jour. You only had to compare my prose to Belle’s to see that I couldn’t possibly have written the tedious shit ‘she’ spews out. My view of Belle’s work is that it is mindless bollocks aimed at middle-class airheads. Had I not been publicly accused of having composed this garbage, I wouldn’t have bothered looking at it, and so it shouldn’t be necessary to add I would never have bothered writing it. That said, if Dr Magnanti is indeed (as I think likely) Belle, then hats-off to her for evading detection for so long and doing something useful in the area of cancer research. Since her prose is so unappealing, she should quit writing and stick to medical matters instead.

And while you’re at it don’t forget to check – www.stewarthomesociety.org – you know it makes (no) sense!

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Posted in books, culture gossip & parties, exhibitionism, humour | 111 Comments »

I May Be JFK’s Illegitimate Son!

Saturday, January 17th, 2009

Okay, time to get back on track with these weird blogging feedback and time loops. There are lots of blogging list formulas. One I’ve noticed over the years is simply to divulge 6 weird things about yourself, and another is six weird true things mixed with six lies. So in the spirit of mix and match here are my twelve unlikely truths and true lies.

1. It is possible to put together a credible argument that John F. Kennedy was my father (this involves my mother belonging to the set of British good time girls centred on Christine Keeler that Kennedy couldn’t keep away from, JFK visiting the UK nine months before I was born, the fact that there is no father named on my birth certificate etc – and actually there are odd photos in which JFK and I look pretty alike, although I do hope this cold warrior wasn’t my father since I don’t exactly dig shirt (misprint) like the Cuban Missile Crisis etc.)

2.  I wrote a novel (Tainted Love) which implied JFK was my father.

3. JFK may have been my father.

4. I think The Warren Commission sucked but don’t have any particular pet theory about JFK’s assassination. Indeed I find the phenomena of JFK conspiracy theories far more interesting than the solutions they propose, and don’t necessarily think JFK’s death is something that will ever be resolved.

5. I know people who were Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament or Committee of 100 activists in the UK in the early sixties who while not necessarily in favour of assassination as a political tool, were nonetheless quite pleased to hear of JFK’s death because they viewed him as being a threat to world peace and stability. So the whole idea of worldwide (or at least NATO wide) solidarity and shock over JFK’s death is a massive and untrue rewriting of history. I would be interested to hear of people having similar positions at the time in the US, there were certainly plenty who were not saddened by JFK’s death in Europe in 1963. And BTW: I’m not too keen on Princess Diana or Harold Wilson either… we always knew the Labour Party and the monarchy was our enemy.

6. One of my blogger friends Locked has much more definite views on the JFK assassination than I do (check out his blog, it’s on MySpace).

7. It is possible to put together a credible argument that John F. Kennedy was my father (this involves my mother belonging to the set of British good time girls centred on Christine Keeler that Kennedy couldn’t keep away from, JFK visiting the UK nine months before I was born, the fact that there is no father named on my birth certificate etc – and actually there are odd photos in which JFK and I look pretty alike, although I do hope this cold warrior wasn’t my father since I don’t exactly dig shirt (misprint) like the Cuban Missile Crisis etc.)

8.  I wrote a novel (Tainted Love) which implied JFK was my father.

9. JFK may have been my father.

10. I think The Warren Commission sucked but don’t have any particular pet theory about JFK’s assassination. Indeed I find the phenomena of JFK conspiracy theories far more interesting than the solutions they propose, and don’t necessarily think JFK’s death is something that will ever be resolved.

11. I know people who were Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament or Committee of 100 activists in the UK in the early sixties who while not necessarily in favour of assassination as a political tool, were nonetheless quite pleased to hear of JFK’s death because they viewed him as being a threat to world peace and stability. So the whole idea of worldwide (or at least NATO wide) solidarity and shock over JFK’s death is a massive and untrue rewriting of history. I would be interested to hear of people having similar positions at the time in the US, there were certainly plenty who were not saddened by JFK’s death in Europe in 1963. And BTW: I’m not too keen on Princess Diana or Harold Wilson either… we always knew the Labour Party and the monarchy was our enemy.

12. One of my blogger friends Locked has much more definite views on the JFK assassination than I do (check out his blog, it’s on MySpace).

NB. The use of repetition is quite self-conscious and is both for aesthetic effect and to create yet more truly postmodern feedback loops. Or so nice I said it twice! Karate Boogaloo now baby!

And while you’re at it don’t forget to check – http://www.stewarthomesociety.org/ – you know it makes (no) sense!

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Posted in humour | 22 Comments »