Flu has a bad reputation, but if you think about it you’lll soon realise that the most important thing that drugs do for you is alter your state of consciousness, and influenza can do that too! Squares denounce flu as an illness, but hipsters know it’s much more productive to look on influenza as a psychic elevator and a short cut to ‘enlightenment’.
You could spend a life-time sitting in the lotus position meditating and still never get ‘enlightened’; or you could catch flu and – as the fever takes a hold - unlock the secrets of the universe and learn to let go of everything (or if not everything, at the very least your lunch, either via your bowels or barfed up through the mouth). With flu your dreams will be more vivid, you will experience visions that more than equal those of the Magi of old – and what’s more, you’re not lining the pockets of the local CIA operative whose been pushing you LSD (and has secretly enrolled you in a mind control programme)! In short, flu is the ultimate groove sensation.
Had I not accidentally caught flu this weekend, I would have proceeded with an ill-conceived plan I’d formed to write and post a blog about the film Norwegian Ninja (2010, directed by Thomas Cappelen Malling). When I’d watched Norwegian Ninja, I’d been severely disappointed that it came nowhere close to the bad craziness of director Godfrey Ho’s 1980s ninja flicks – and in particular that spectacularly inept holy grail of Grade Z movie making Scorpion Thunderbolt (1988, starring Richard Harrison and Juliet Chan).
Catching flu expanded my consciousness and made me realise that I couldn’t be arsed writing a critique of Norwegian Ninja; and instead I found myself imbibing large quantities of Spingbank Malt Whisky (for medicinal purposes only, of course) and experiencing hour upon hour of extremely vivid lucid dreaming. As the greatest legal high of all time, influenza not only provided me with a whole series of crazy sensations – I felt like I’d been wrapped in cotton wool and then battered with a sledge hammer – it also made me more creative (after all this blog about legal highs is way better than one about Norwegian Ninja)!
Oh, and influenza helped me save on my fuel bills too, coz I was sweating away in my bed and didn’t need to put on the heating! What’s more, influenza can help you lose weight as well, coz when you’ve got flu you really don’t feel like eating! With flu there is no need for expensive dietary supplements, you can lose weight on the cheap!
So kids, if you want to experience some serious highs this winter, catch a does of flu and you’ll find yourself having a gas! And if a doctor or nurse offers you a jab of flu vaccine, just say ‘NO’ – coz you don’t wanna let the man mess with your fun! Flu rocks and unfortunately it’s not even addictive, since your body builds up immunity to the various strains after catching them…
And remember, don’t believe the medical hype that paints flu in a negative light – it’s better than most drugs, and if you catch it then your croak will write you a sick note giving you time off work too! What more could you want, and what are you waiting for? Catch flu now!
And while you’re at it don’t forget to check – www.stewarthomesociety.org – you know it makes (no) sense!