Dr Al Ackerman, a noted expert on the many pleasurable ways it is possible to manipulate Chinese anal love beads, says the London 2012 Olympics are crap. Dr Ackerman’s criticisms focus on the fact that instead of concentrating on real sports like topless tennis, nude mud wrestling and bedroom athletics, the organisers have turned the event into a fashion parade. “The original Olympic spirit was naked as nature intended,” Dr Ackerman opines by Skype from his Baltimore home, “I could spend all day watching nude gymnastics but what’s the point if the performers are wearing post-modern designer leotards? The ancient Greeks stripped off for all their sporting activities and we should do the same. I’m not impressed with the cultural Olympiad either – rather than theatre in the round it should feature theatre in the buff!”
Dr Ackerman, known to friends as Blaster thanks to the pungent odour of his farts, also criticised the choice of sponsors for London 2012. “McDonald’s meals might give you indigestion but the flatulence produced by a Big Mac is a damp squib compared to the effect of a really good burrito. If you’re gonna sit on your ass watching sports on TV you should definitely be eating tacos rather than burgers.” Blaster insists.
Ackerman explains that: “The miasma that gradually builds up from your burrito farts will get you high, but don’t forget to keep the windows and door closed. Once I’m really out of it on that tangy taco stink I like to slip a pillow case over my head. Have a pillow slip to hand with a single slit cut into it for your third eye, coz if you’re watching fit athletes with super strong legs – Venus Williams for example - you may have a mystic experience. But that ain’t gonna happen if you’re chomping on Big Macs. Rather than accepting sponsorship from the likes of McDonald’s, the Olympic organisers should have sought out backing from burrito merchants. Likewise Coca-Cola as a 2012 backer is a joke! Why they didn’t approach a company that made a decent drink like Four Roses bourbon or Thunderbird wine?”
So there you have it – the London Olympics are crap! That’s official!
And while you’re at it don’t forget to check – www.stewarthomesociety.org – you know it makes (no) sense!