Posts Tagged ‘Nick Serota’

Art Is Dead Baby: The Tate Modern UBS ‘Long Weekend’

Wednesday, May 27th, 2009

After its sponsor UBS AG went into near financial meltdown, Tate Modern named this year’s UBS Long Weekend ‘Do It Yourself’ (22-25 May 2009) and based it around an Arte Povera exhibition. UBS is both a private and investment bank, as well as an asset management corporation. In the past it has been a major sponsor of the arts, but is unlikely to remain so for much longer.

After incurring huge losses on subprime mortgage securities in 2007, UBS only survived after it secured a multi-billion dollar bail out from the Government Investment Corporation of Singapore (GISC) and an unnamed source in the Middle East.  At the end of last year, after even more disasters, UBS managers pledged to return bonuses and shareholders voted to accept financial aid from the Swiss government. This is supposed to restore trust in UBS. It won’t in the long term. UBS made advance commitments to its Tate sponsorship, but given the financial shape this corporation is in, it seems unlikely it will be renewing them. UBS has already cut back on its own art collecting activities, and has let go of its collections curator Joanne Bernstein (who is now doing some far more interesting freelance work, see my earlier blog that summarizes her contribution to Performing Localities).

The art world is part and parcel of the financial world. When high finance catches a cold, local art scenes react as if they’ve got the plague. An institution like The Tate is particularly vulnerable because it has few resources beyond its brand. It has no real money, its art collection is full of holes and its director Nick Serota is committed to ongoing and massive expansion without the resources to sustain such a programme. The maths simply doesn’t add up, and every day it seems more likely that the unstable stack of cards that is The Tate could collapse.

In an attempt to cover up this fragile state of affairs, Serota is attempting to attract ever larger crowds to Tate Modern. The big draw this year during the UBS Weekend was a recreation of the 1971 work Bodyspacemotionthings by Robert Morris. Tate Modern promoted this as art you can touch. It got a lot of media coverage. I even heard it reported on local London radio news but without the name of the artist or his work mentioned. Bodyspacemotionthings looks remarkably like a commercial soft play space aimed at small children, but without the padding one might expect. Nothing wrong with that, and there were loads of kids in Tate Modern having a lot of fun. Art is dead baby and Tate Modern is now an adventure playground.

So rather than waiting for The Tate’s money to run out, let’s allow kids to run riot through all its Bankside galleries, taking the canvases down from the walls and treating them as toys. As for the curators, I’m sure most of them would rather be doing something useful – like running a nursery that gives kids a good time – than handling art. Duchamp suggested using the Mona Lisa as an ironing board, but actually it makes more sense to use old and modern ‘masters’ as den walls and capes…. And once the kids have gone home, as suggested in an earlier blog, we can have nudist nights at Tate Modern.

The entire Tate Modern treated as a play space would have been much more fun than the UBS Weekend as I experienced it. There were a lot of people sitting on the grass by The Thames, not really listening to the bands playing on a stage. I spent most of the time I was there talking to people like Laura Oldfield Ford and Dan Mitchell. I was introduced to a shed load of new faces by their first names, so beyond Paul Sakoilsky – who gave me a copy of his newspaper The Dark Times – I can’t properly identify them here. The event was very much a case of create your own entertainment, and while all those around me were downing beers, they didn’t appear to consider what they were doing ‘drinking sculptures’. That said, since we did ‘do it ourselves’, that is create our own entertainment, The Tate’s ‘anti-corporate’ arte povera shindig simply proved the obvious – the institution of art is utterly redundant. Given this, it is hardly necessary to add that Tate director Nick Serota would make a much better clown if he donned face-paint and a red nose.

After writing the above, I picked up the following email from Selina Jones: “I hope you all had a fab time at The Long Weekend. Over 100,000 people came down! For those of you who didn’t make it or who want more, I have good news! The amazing Robert Morris installation will now be opened for an extended period – until 14th of June. That is 3 more weeks of having an excuse to play, even if you are technically a fully grown adult.” Yes, Tate Modern no longer even attempts to cover up the fact that art is infantilising. Who needs an excuse to play? It’s time for some ‘serious’ redecoration at Bankside!

If you haven’t done so already, you might like to check out my posts about the low quality of recent events at Tate Britain too: Bourriaud’s ‘Altermodern’, an eclectic mix of bullshit & bad taste and 5,494 Linda McCartney Vegetarian Sausages For Nicolas Bourriaud.

And while you’re at it don’t forget to check - www.stewarthomesociety.org – you know it makes (no) sense!

Why we need a weekly nudist night at Tate Modern in London!

Tuesday, May 19th, 2009

Is it possible to enjoy modern art with your clothes on? Not if you are Mavis Artlover of the Art Lovers Network. According to promotional material you can find online: “This group is for everyone who likes to romp around naked with works of art. Sex with art is even better than masturbation!”

Mavis Artlover is a 25 year-old hotel chambermaid who moved from Totnes in Devon to Dollis Hill in London five years ago. She told me that she discovered she was sexually excited by art as a teenager when she was visiting the Arnolfini in Bristol: “I was looking at this Anselm Kiefer work and I felt a wave of pleasure washing through me. I discovered later I’d just had my first orgasm. Since then I’ve always felt an overwhelming urge to strip-off when I’m looking at great works of art.”

Despite 47 arrests and 23 convictions for nude and disorderly conduct in art museums, Mavis has never looked back since the Kiefer knicker-wetting incident. “I’m sexually fulfilled,” she told me, “and although the price of that has been several months of jail, it was worth it. That said, I don’t want to do any more porridge, which is why I’m campaigning for all major world museums to introduce regular clothes-optional days.”

Mavis has even got together with several like-minded aesthetes who share her passion for viewing art in the buff, and they are demanding a weekly nudist night at Tate Modern. And I’m with Mavis on that, since I can’t see why those who are so inclined shouldn’t leave both their clothes and their inhibitions behind in the Tate cloakroom while they enjoy a finger or three of the old Bill Viola.

“You haven’t lived until you’ve made the beast with two backs in an art gallery that you and your humping partner are sharing with stone-to the-bone contemporary masterpiece such as Santa Claus with a Buttplug by Paul McCarthy or The Great White Way Goes Black by Katharina Sieverding!” Mavis told me.

I agreed when she told me this, but mainly because I wanted to get into her pants. Then I realised Mavis wasn’t wearing any knickers, she was as naked as the day she was born. I thought I was in luck, but Mavis made it clear there was no way she’d let me ram my French stick into her her fuzz-box until The Tate Modern agreed to a weekly nudist night

So there you have it, two really good reasons you should join the campaign to demand that Nick Serota introduces regular naked art appreciation sessions at Bankside: 1) You’ll never look at Mike Kelly’s work in the same way again after experiencing it buck naked; 2) Mavis isn’t going to let me shag her until Tate Modern give in to her demands!

And while you’re at it don’t forget to check – www.stewarthomesociety.org – you know it makes (no) sense!

Since New York is The Big Apple, let’s re-brand London as The Toilet!

Tuesday, April 28th, 2009

Following on from my blog at the weekend detailing how Iwona Blazwick has turned the Whitechapel Gallery into a truly horrid mini-Tate Modern, I’m now going to focus on the pointlessness of her appointment as chairwoman of the Mayor of London’s Cultural Strategy Group. According to a promotional blurb on Boris “The Spider” Johnson’s local government website: “The London Cultural Strategy Group is a high-level advocacy group aimed to develop and promote London as a world-class city of culture, bringing together representatives of the key agencies that support culture in London.” Apparently a ‘world-class city’ doesn’t require world-class copy-writing; the sentence I’ve just quoted is clumsy, for instance in its deployment of the word ‘aimed’ and repetition of the term ‘group’.

NEWSFLASH FOR CULTURAL TRASH – LONDON WOULD BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU! Yes indeed, ordinary people are more than capable of coming up with their own strategies for making London a better place, and this needn’t cost a penny! So what follows is my own modest two point proposal for flushing rich people out of London, and thereby re-branding the city I am very proud to have been born in as The Toilet!

1. While the London Cultural Strategy Group wish to maintain London’s alleged position as number one travel destination in the world, what is actually required to make it a better place is the running down of the tourist industry. Excessive tourism is a blight on any city and those of us who aren’t blinded by greed couldn’t give a shit about the billions of pounds it generates annually. To facilitate a decline in tourism we should abolish the monarchy and demolish popular tourist destinations such as The Tower of London, St Paul’s Cathedral, Buckingham Palace and The Queen’s House in Greenwich. We should also cancel the 2012 Olympics and abolish The London Cultural Strategy Group.

2. Introduce progressive local taxes that penalise the wealthy and thereby discourage rich scumbags from visiting, working or living in London. We should have sliding scales of taxation on catering and hotels; heavily penalising those who wish to spend more than £20 a head on a meal or stay in anything other than very basic accommodation. The private motor car and the black cab should also be banned from the city.

Strategies as simple as this would enable London to live up to the name The Toilet, by flushing thousands of unwanted rich parasites out of the city. For Iwona Blazwick, the abolition of The London Cultural Strategy Group would have the added advantage of leaving her free to concentrate on using the ongoing expansion/ruination of the Whitechapel Gallery to prove that she really deserves to be appointed as next director of The Tate. Having chummed up to both Nick “Wagstaff Prime” Serota and his buddy Sandy “Don’t Call Me Andrew” Nairne, she is presumably aware that the current Tate incumbent doesn’t want to retire until he’s seen the institution through its next phase of expansion, and given the recent financial climate that may take a long long time…. So Blazwick really needs to focus on making the Whitechapel even more horrendous in order to remain in the front rank of contenders for “Wagstaff Prime” Serota’s job when he finally steps down.

Likewise, the abolition of The London Cultural Strategy Group would give other members such as Sandy “Don’t Call Me Andrew” Nairne the opportunity to spend more time networking on behalf of his siblings; and afford Jude Kelly the opportunity to appear as Freddy Krueger in an off-Broadway stage version of the film A Nightmare On Elm Street.

It is high time we made London into a people’s city by kicking out the Oxbridge educated scum who dominate its culture and its politics! Both Sandy “Don’t Call Me Andrew” Nairne and Boris “The Spider” Johnson attended Oxford, while Nick “Wagstaff Prime” Serota went to Cambridge. Since they have proved incapable of dismantling their own old boy network, Oxbridge graduates should be barred from all publicly funded jobs.

And while you’re at it don’t forget to check – www.stewarthomesociety – you know it makes (no) sense!