Since New York is The Big Apple, let’s re-brand London as The Toilet!

Following on from my blog at the weekend detailing how Iwona Blazwick has turned the Whitechapel Gallery into a truly horrid mini-Tate Modern, I’m now going to focus on the pointlessness of her appointment as chairwoman of the Mayor of London’s Cultural Strategy Group. According to a promotional blurb on Boris “The Spider” Johnson’s local government website: “The London Cultural Strategy Group is a high-level advocacy group aimed to develop and promote London as a world-class city of culture, bringing together representatives of the key agencies that support culture in London.” Apparently a ‘world-class city’ doesn’t require world-class copy-writing; the sentence I’ve just quoted is clumsy, for instance in its deployment of the word ‘aimed’ and repetition of the term ‘group’.

NEWSFLASH FOR CULTURAL TRASH – LONDON WOULD BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU! Yes indeed, ordinary people are more than capable of coming up with their own strategies for making London a better place, and this needn’t cost a penny! So what follows is my own modest two point proposal for flushing rich people out of London, and thereby re-branding the city I am very proud to have been born in as The Toilet!

1. While the London Cultural Strategy Group wish to maintain London’s alleged position as number one travel destination in the world, what is actually required to make it a better place is the running down of the tourist industry. Excessive tourism is a blight on any city and those of us who aren’t blinded by greed couldn’t give a shit about the billions of pounds it generates annually. To facilitate a decline in tourism we should abolish the monarchy and demolish popular tourist destinations such as The Tower of London, St Paul’s Cathedral, Buckingham Palace and The Queen’s House in Greenwich. We should also cancel the 2012 Olympics and abolish The London Cultural Strategy Group.

2. Introduce progressive local taxes that penalise the wealthy and thereby discourage rich scumbags from visiting, working or living in London. We should have sliding scales of taxation on catering and hotels; heavily penalising those who wish to spend more than £20 a head on a meal or stay in anything other than very basic accommodation. The private motor car and the black cab should also be banned from the city.

Strategies as simple as this would enable London to live up to the name The Toilet, by flushing thousands of unwanted rich parasites out of the city. For Iwona Blazwick, the abolition of The London Cultural Strategy Group would have the added advantage of leaving her free to concentrate on using the ongoing expansion/ruination of the Whitechapel Gallery to prove that she really deserves to be appointed as next director of The Tate. Having chummed up to both Nick “Wagstaff Prime” Serota and his buddy Sandy “Don’t Call Me Andrew” Nairne, she is presumably aware that the current Tate incumbent doesn’t want to retire until he’s seen the institution through its next phase of expansion, and given the recent financial climate that may take a long long time…. So Blazwick really needs to focus on making the Whitechapel even more horrendous in order to remain in the front rank of contenders for “Wagstaff Prime” Serota’s job when he finally steps down.

Likewise, the abolition of The London Cultural Strategy Group would give other members such as Sandy “Don’t Call Me Andrew” Nairne the opportunity to spend more time networking on behalf of his siblings; and afford Jude Kelly the opportunity to appear as Freddy Krueger in an off-Broadway stage version of the film A Nightmare On Elm Street.

It is high time we made London into a people’s city by kicking out the Oxbridge educated scum who dominate its culture and its politics! Both Sandy “Don’t Call Me Andrew” Nairne and Boris “The Spider” Johnson attended Oxford, while Nick “Wagstaff Prime” Serota went to Cambridge. Since they have proved incapable of dismantling their own old boy network, Oxbridge graduates should be barred from all publicly funded jobs.

And while you’re at it don’t forget to check – www.stewarthomesociety – you know it makes (no) sense!

About mistertrippy

Stewart Home was born in south London in 1962. His mother Julia Callan-Thompson was a showgirl and club hostess. He has never held down a regular job for more than a few months at a time. On those rare occasions when he's been forced to work, Home has taken employment as a factory labourer, agricultural labourer, shop assistant, office clerk and art class model. Deciding he didn't like working in factories as a teenager, Home pursued cultural and political interests, writing many books and participating in even more gallery exhibitions.
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19 thoughts on “Since New York is The Big Apple, let’s re-brand London as The Toilet!

  1. Capitalism is good! Greed is groovy!

  2. Capitalism is groovy. Greed is good!

  3. Capitalism is super dooper and wonderful! Greed makes the art world go round!

  4. And don’t forget kids, capitalism brings you the best spam, erm I mean post-modern poetry. For your “since New York is The Big Apple, let’s re-brand London as The Toilet! hotel finder” CLICK HERE.

    I’ve also go the cheapest Viagra on the Net!

    LIkewise, don’t forget my £400,000 Mayor’s boost for tourism drive

    The Mayor of London Boris “The Spider” Johnson (that’s ME kids!) today announced a major boost to the capital’s £2m tourism campaign, Only in London, with a £400,000 cash injection from four central London boroughs.

    The Mayor outlined plans for a new £2m Visit London campaign to promote the capital to the rest of the UK and abroad last month. The additional £400,000 is provided by City of London, Camden, Westminster and Kensington & Chelsea, who represent around 50 per cent of tourism spend in the capital. The extra funding will considerably strengthen the campaign’s impact in key international markets.

    To mark the start of the ‘Only in London’ campaign this week, the Mayor (that’s ME kids!) was joined by representatives from the four boroughs at the launch of “West End – It’s Time” in Covent Garden – the first in a series of unique events under the “Only in London” umbrella.

    ‘Only in London’ is expected to deliver an additional £60m in economic benefits to the city by the end of the year and follows Visit London’s highly successful £600,000 winter marketing campaigns which, to date, have returned £6.7 million to the economy.


  5. Ray Johnson says:

    The increasing commercialisation of art has left us all at sea!

  6. Michael K says:

    One of the most common examples of mind control in our so-called free and civilized society is the advent and usage of the television set. This isn’t to say that all things on TV are geared towards brainwashing you. They’re not. But most of the programming on television today is run and programming by the largest media corporations that have interests in defense contracts, such as Westinghouse (CBS), and General Electric (NBC). This makes perfect sense when you see how slanted and warped the news is today. Examining the conflicts of interest is merely glancing at the issue, although to understand the multiple ways that lies become truth, we need to examine the techniques of brain washing that the networks are employing. So I say Boris “The Spider” Johnson and his London Cultural Strategy Group are inconsequential, you really need to get to grips with the real issues like remote programming and the use of trigger words sent through the TV and radio and even via the telephone. Don’t answer the phone kids, it is probably British intelligence about to turn you into a mindless remote controlled zombie assassin. You may be suffering from the delusion you were abducted by aliens but you weren’t, it was just British secret intelligence pretending to be aliens!

  7. I think Michael is on drugs, I’m a bit worried about him, can you come home? And really you shouldn’t be spending all that time on those art world knobs, you should be at my side, after all we’re a threesome!

  8. Armitage Shanks… A British institution with roots back to the mid nineteenth century, it is now one of the largest manufacturers of sanitaryware in the U.K.

  9. I never got called an asshole, not in New York! Maybe Iwona Blazwick and Nick Serota are doing something wrong. Like the man said: “Well the girls would turn the color, Of the avacado when he would drive, Down their street in his el dorado, He could walk down your street, And girls could not resist his stare, Pablo picasso never got called an asshole…”

  10. I’d love to comment on this blog but I’m afraid I don ‘t use computers, I don’t have an email account and I never go online. Boycott technology!

  11. Simon Strong says:

    Armitage Shanks! Now there was a group – their cover of ‘all friends electric?’ was even better than the ur-version! *and* they put out the first kurt Cobain tribute – 2 weeks after his accident! No wonder they had a khazi named after them… what greater tribute? The first time I saw them at St John’s Tavern they was all dressed inna 2-tone stylee and I thought they was a Ska group called Armitage Skanks. Its true!

  12. Simon Strong says:

    now I come to think of it, wouldn’t “The Big Crapper” have a more derivative kinda angle?

  13. Howling Wizard, Shrieking Toad says:

    “It is high time we made London into a people’s city by kicking out the Oxbridge educated scum who dominate its culture and its politics! Both Sandy “Don’t Call Me Andrew” Nairne and Boris “The Spider” Johnson attended Oxford, while Nick “Wagstaff Prime” Serota went to Cambridge. Since they have proved incapable of dismantling their own old boy network, Oxbridge graduates should be barred from all publicly funded jobs”

    I long for the day that life in UK is not determined by bloody annoying Oxbridge boys, with their lackeys from LSE and St Andrews in the wings…

    Annoying thick bastards…

    C’mon Shrieking Toad, let’s go back to our cave…..People are no good….

  14. mistertrippy says:

    Too right Howling Wiz, and Simon I think The Big Crapper has it!

  15. blackcabdriver says:


  16. Michael Roth says:

    Toot Toot! Now it’s time to implement your proposals …

  17. Michael Roth says:

    Michael K. warned me that you use the word “horrid” in this blog.