On the alchemical secrets of the data stream

Sometimes I like to try fairly random web searches just to see what comes up; and this has the added bonus of confusing data miners. Doing this today I started with “empty blogs” coz like Hegel in the Logic I figured you should start at the bottom and work your way up (not that you’d catch me stoppin’ with the Prussian state!). Unfortunately the search for “empty blogs’ didn’t turn up much of interest. Personally I just can’t take supposedly ‘professional’ blog tips seriously, and especially when they include advice like don’t repeat yourself. As you probably know, I love repeating myself coz it’s so post-modern, as well as being side-splittingly funny. Oh and I also found a site hosting blogs that was berating users who’d opened up accounts but failed to post anything. A blog about this from the management team concluded with the message:
“You are not allowed to comment on this entry as it has restricted commenting permissions.”
Yeah, search for shit and you get shit. So I figured I might as well apply my alchemical knowledge to this search and transmute some shit into gold. I went for “empty blog’ and “Stewart Home” and got only one entry, but what an entry! A blog by top American novelist Dennis Cooper from 30 July 2006:
“Joe Mills said… if the competition was a ploy to out The Lurkers – it worked. Lots of new names – unfortunately not much info on their (often empty) blogs… Jeff said. Everyone here should check out lutherblissett.net. Dennis, have you heard of the Luther Blissett project? I think Stewart Home is involved…”
Yep, it looks like it is the all important comments that will pull the traffic onto your blog, coz they just produce such wonderfully post-modern random word combinations.
Moving on I figured I should reverse my search process with a double dose of shit by looking for “empty blogs” and “Kate Muir”.  And it was no surprise to be told: “Your search – ‘empty blogs’ ‘Kate Muir’ – did not match any documents.” Yes, out of nothing comes nothing. And little Katie the Times columnist with an irrational fear of ‘drunk ventriloquists” really ain’t worth nothing at all! But all that has changed thanks to me. From now on when you search for “empty blogs” and “Kate Muir” you can come here… Like that old groover The Almost Fake Heraclitus observed way back when: “it is impossible to step into the same data stream twice…”
And while you’re at it don’t forget to check – http://www.stewarthomesociety.org/ – you know it makes (no) sense!


Comment by The Real Kate Muir on 2009-01-13 11:15:55 +0000

The Real Kate Muir is away and unable to leave blog comments at the moment.

Comment by Fan Boy on 2009-01-13 11:18:31 +0000

Kate Muir is a columnist for “The Times”, a travel writer and author. Her home town is Glasgow and she was a Brownie.
Kate says: “Scottish women who are successful are not afraid to get their hands dirty, or fight against the odds”
Do I win a romantic dinner date for two with Kate?

Comment by The Almost Fake Heraclitus on 2009-01-13 11:25:01 +0000

You are not allowed to comment on this entry as it has restricted commenting permissions.

Comment by Kate Muir’s Husband on 2009-01-13 17:47:55 +0000

I challenge you to a duel, Home

Comment by Katie-Kate from the Times on 2009-01-13 21:10:09 +0000

I typed in “drunk ventriloquist” et voila – 23567 entries with Stewart Home’s name

Comment by DEATHRAY DAVIES on 2009-01-13 22:15:04 +0000

Clearly ‘Katie-Kate from the Times’ (if that’s her REAL name which I doubt) has got some parallel-universe variation of google which returns other than what I’ve got right here. My search for ‘drunk ventriloquist’ returns two results for Home (admittedly the top two but that’s presumably because of recentness) and the rest for ME ME ME.

Comment by Peter The Seeker on 2009-01-13 22:59:44 +0000

I was looking for occult secrets and I really don’t see what this has to do with that….

Comment by mistertrippy on 2009-01-13 23:09:37 +0000

A duel? Isn’t that a bit feudal??? Oh and I think Katie-Kate was using a DataparkSearch on the old Trippy MySpace blogs, not Google on the web… all the comments no doubt multiple the results… oops, now people will think K’s groundless allegations I’ve been having an affair with her are true….

Comment by Díre McCain on 2009-01-14 00:12:46 +0000

Kate Muir is the black dog dressed in drag. Or perhaps she-he is Will Self dressed as the black dog. And apropos of something (though, as usual, I haven’t the faintest idea what) I once babysat a misanthropic, borderline sociopathic (baby) White-faced Capuchin named Gino, during an LSD-fueled weekend in Santa Barbara. He wore diapers (only time I’ve changed a diaper, I might add) and had a peculiar fondness for flinging feces, plates, and LPs at human noggins. Since I was the only one who was fluent in Capuchinese, I was exempt from his wrath…

Comment by marmitelover on 2009-01-14 00:28:40 +0000

I was a brownie too. I wasn’t allowed to join the girl guides because I wore fashionable mini skirts to school and that wasn’t considered girl scout behaviour. I’m still traumatised.

Comment by mistertrippy on 2009-01-14 01:12:13 +0000

Hey Dire can you teach me Capuchinese, it might save me from the wrath of Kate Muir’s fake husband… and marmitelover, brownies can be forgiven on the grounds your mum made you go… just glad you didn’t make the guides… now that is for squares! My hunch is that Kate Muir was not only in the brownies… but also in the guides… and if she wasn’t they still deserved each other!

Comment by Michael K on 2009-01-14 01:15:24 +0000

Michael K is away and unable to leave blog comments at the moment.

Comment by Time Traveller on 2009-01-14 01:18:03 +0000

I can only say that Dire, Tessie and I have been hitting the Gin and Lemon since noon… We were all pretty happy and dancing around having fun when Tessie disappeared! We are looking for her now! If you see her please put her in a taxi and send her to 32 West End Street, New York.

Comment by marmitelover on 2009-01-14 01:20:56 +0000

Is it too late for me to join the guides? I’m ever so helpful.
Ooh I want a gin and lemon too.
Did one of you lot put a rude comment on Ben Fairhall’s blog. If so, lol. In fact rofl. Or even Lmao.

Comment by mistertrippy on 2009-01-14 01:20:57 +0000

Dave is it now??? Well that’s what I got when I clicked on the Tim Traveller link… Is that you K??? And what about Kate Muir????

Comment by mistertrippy on 2009-01-14 01:23:07 +0000

Hey marmitelover… we were posting at the same time… don’t know who Ben Fairhill is but I can’t vouch for the others… It isn’t Kate Muir’s secret and real identity is it???? Oh you can have the gin if you promise not to mention the guides again…..

Comment by marmitelover on 2009-01-14 01:36:22 +0000

tee hee. Check it out …http://the-daily-behemoth.blogspot.com/
He gets quite annoyed if you disagree with him. Good writer. But yet another bloke who dumped me last year.
I’m going for the record!
What if I wear the uniform?

Comment by DEATHRAY DAVIES on 2009-01-14 02:24:04 +0000

The total falsification feature in WordPress is what makes this blog such a groove sensation!

Comment by Díre McCain on 2009-01-14 02:54:21 +0000

It was 20 years ago, but more importantly, it was a fleeting, drug-induced grasp of the language that vanished as soon as the extended “trip” came to an end. And speaking of trips, Gino was a TRIP AND A THREE-QUARTERS – like a deranged little man wearing a hirsute hair suit. Absolutely hysterical in every sense of the word, particularly when he splattered shite all over the neighbor’s face while screeching at the top of his tiny lungs. Hmmmm, perhaps I should look him up and send him on over to Kate Muir’s place, now that’s a thought…

Comment by Kate M. on 2009-01-14 04:23:02 +0000

Dire is Trippy’s lapdog

Comment by Prince on 2009-01-14 13:46:35 +0000

DataParkSearch is a groove sensation! With it, I’ve been able to track down everybody who’s posting my tracks and vids online and get them whacked.

Comment by Christopher Nosnibor on 2009-01-14 14:37:30 +0000

I too I love repeating myself coz it’s so post-modern, as well as being side-splittingly funny. Even thought I could have sworn someone else said that.
Turned up some cracking knitting patterns the other day, though, but while I’m now in a forest of knitted daleks, I’m yet to find a pattern to knit myself a Kate Muir to keep my knitted Portia company…

Comment by Observe on 2009-01-14 14:47:34 +0000

“All beings going and remaining not at all”
“The way up and the way down are one and the same”
But, mr Home, like our friend howling wizard, shriekingtoad, Heralictus …..”Finally, became a hater of his kind (misanthrope) and wandered the mountains … making his diet of grass and herbs.”

Comment by Mr C. Woods Esq. on 2009-01-14 14:57:26 +0000

Alright, it’s time for a confession… I am the real Kate Muir, so all of you pretenders please step back into my dull shadow. Yes, it’s true, Kate Muir is the pseudonym I originally employed as part of my drag act in the early 90s (…a none too successful venture; after about an hour of my dreck, most patrons could take no more). Thankfully those days are behind me and now, when not preaching in the pages of The Times to dilletantes on the desirable morals by which to live their lives, I’m carving a furrow as a highly original novelist. Some of you may know my book ‘Left Bank’…. anyone? …no? (Not surprising really, most publishers read through a chapter of that dreck and could take no more).
Now I must object to the rather cruel assassination of my goodly character that seems to be occurring here. At this juncture I feel it appropriate to mention my scottishness – (everyone likes the scots, right?) – I’ll have you know that my uncanny talent to instill morbid bourgeois values into every article and essay I pull from my arse comes from that very scottishness – I’m scottish by the way – And this birthright grants me all-out permission to romanticise and objectify the scottish nation and culture as I see fit – That’s my bourgeois privilege you understand.
What you uncouth ragamuffins at the Drunken Ventriliquists Society fail to comprehend is that by harping on about scottish presbyterian hardworking pioneering values – (Which being a Notting Hill party whore, I naturally know all about – I’m scottish you see – Did I mention that? – And being born in a stable makes one a horse, right?) – I successfully manage to straddle both sides of the class cultural divide with my credibility intact. …Yes, credible. That’s me. You won’t find me fannying about with puppets and irony and such superfluous indulgences as humour. I’m a serious writer you know. And hardworking. Like my scottish ancestors – Did I mention I was scottish? – We all love Scotland – I’ll have to visit there sometime when I’m not too busy scrawling all-important articles recounting my weekend drive to the Lake District in my gas-guzzling chelsea tractor.. So much rain there though. Just awful. A couple of hours of that dreck and I can take no more… Ah fuck it, London’s the place to be. Why complicate my callous romanticising of my scottish roots with a dose of reality?
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a blog to empty…

Comment by mistertrippy on 2009-01-14 15:05:09 +0000

Now I’ve met a lot of Scottish novelists in my time, and this might surprise some of you but the one who has helped me the most is none other than Andy O’Hagan… Yes, so Kate Muir can go choke on her canapes!

Comment by Díre McCain on 2009-01-14 15:44:27 +0000

I’m NOBODY’S lapdog, you yellow-bellied poltroon. Now be a wo/man, and come on out from behind that alphabetical mask, “Kate M.”…

Comment by Kate Muir on 2009-01-14 15:58:10 +0000

pish… and lapdog

Comment by mistertrippy on 2009-01-14 16:10:22 +0000

Left Bank? Left behind!

Comment by Mr C. Woods Esq. on 2009-01-14 16:16:54 +0000

“Left Bank”… that’s rhyming slang you know.

Comment by mistertrippy on 2009-01-14 16:33:49 +0000

A bit like Barclay’s Bank… only it’s for those that don’t know the meaning of Gulf Stream??????

Comment by Dave Mitchell on 2009-01-15 16:09:21 +0000

Wow! Is Kate Muir still alive?
I’d blissfully forgotten all about her until I came in here to get a bit of edjication.
What an unpleasant surprise.

Comment by mistertrippy on 2009-01-15 16:10:57 +0000

Oh I think she was already dead at the point she started writing for The Times…..

Comment by Dave Mitchell on 2009-01-15 16:33:00 +0000

She’s the Linda McCartney of journalism.

Comment by Dave Mitchell on 2009-01-15 16:33:18 +0000

no… actually I quite liked Linda

Comment by mistertrippy on 2009-01-15 23:59:38 +0000

I don’t know about Linda, but I quite like her range of vegetarian ready meals…..

Comment by Michael K on 2009-01-17 20:12:56 +0000

I fancy all her daughters

Comment by mistertrippy on 2009-01-18 03:51:13 +0000

Oh don’t tell me you want a Stella McCartney with your pint of stellar Stella!

Comment by Paul McCartney on 2009-01-19 02:14:11 +0000

Not really. I never realized I was reflecting that image. As a kid, I watched the telly to see how they did it, and watched films to see how the world went. You pick up on all these things. If they smoked in the films, then you smoked. You just see what was the cool thing to be.

Comment by mistertrippy on 2009-01-19 10:29:57 +0000

Beep beep! Beep beep! Yeah!

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