Why we need a weekly nudist night at Tate Modern in London!

Is it possible to enjoy modern art with your clothes on? Not if you are Mavis Artlover of the Art Lovers Network. According to promotional material you can find online: “This group is for everyone who likes to romp around naked with works of art. Sex with art is even better than masturbation!”
Mavis Artlover is a 25 year-old hotel chambermaid who moved from Totnes in Devon to Dollis Hill in London five years ago. She told me that she discovered she was sexually excited by art as a teenager when she was visiting the Arnolfini in Bristol: “I was looking at this Anselm Kiefer work and I felt a wave of pleasure washing through me. I discovered later I’d just had my first orgasm. Since then I’ve always felt an overwhelming urge to strip-off when I’m looking at great works of art.”
Despite 47 arrests and 23 convictions for nude and disorderly conduct in art museums, Mavis has never looked back since the Kiefer knicker-wetting incident. “I’m sexually fulfilled,” she told me, “and although the price of that has been several months of jail, it was worth it. That said, I don’t want to do any more porridge, which is why I’m campaigning for all major world museums to introduce regular clothes-optional days.”
Mavis has even got together with several like-minded aesthetes who share her passion for viewing art in the buff, and they are demanding a weekly nudist night at Tate Modern. And I’m with Mavis on that, since I can’t see why those who are so inclined shouldn’t leave both their clothes and their inhibitions behind in the Tate cloakroom while they enjoy a finger or three of the old Bill Viola.
“You haven’t lived until you’ve made the beast with two backs in an art gallery that you and your humping partner are sharing with stone-to the-bone contemporary masterpiece such as Santa Claus with a Buttplug by Paul McCarthy or The Great White Way Goes Black by Katharina Sieverding!” Mavis told me.
I agreed when she told me this, but mainly because I wanted to get into her pants. Then I realised Mavis wasn’t wearing any knickers, she was as naked as the day she was born. I thought I was in luck, but Mavis made it clear there was no way she’d let me ram my French stick into her her fuzz-box until The Tate Modern agreed to a weekly nudist night
So there you have it, two really good reasons you should join the campaign to demand that Nick Serota introduces regular naked art appreciation sessions at Bankside: 1) You’ll never look at Mike Kelly’s work in the same way again after experiencing it buck naked; 2) Mavis isn’t going to let me shag her until Tate Modern give in to her demands!
And while you’re at it don’t forget to check – www.stewarthomesociety.org – you know it makes (no) sense!


Comment by The Fake Sheena Wagstaff on 2009-05-19 10:11:14 +0000

What a great idea!

Comment by The Vegetarian Nicholas Serota on 2009-05-19 10:12:24 +0000

I’ll strip to my birthday suit for that!

Comment by The Non-Gagosian Mark Francis on 2009-05-19 10:14:23 +0000

Nick, why are you and my wife naked together in the Turbine Hall? Don’t you know this is a public place?

Comment by Ken Dodd on 2009-05-19 11:36:47 +0000

Well it all began in the year of one
When Adam was the first man
And a girl called Eve, so we believe
Was made to be his woman
She led him up the Garden of Eden, by a tree
Then she offered him her apple
And he cried out suddenly (eee-eeee-eeeee)
SPOKEN (Liverpool Accent):
Where’s me shirt?
Where’s me shirt?
I feel a proper twazzer without me shirt
I’ve got me tickling-tackle and me nicky-nocky-noo
But I must confess I feel undressed
Like this, in front of you
SPOKEN (Liverpool Accent):
Where’s me shirt?
I can’t find me shirt anywhere. It’s twenty-five past five
in the Garden of Eden and I can’t find me shirt. Fancy
leaving me in a garden with no shirt on, like this. Look
at all these creepy-crawly things here. Ooh, look, there’s
a serpent. Go ‘way. Go ‘way you nasty old serpent. Go on,
shoo! Go on, shoo!
Since the days of old, we’ve all been told
Of men like Bonaperte
His great retreat and his first defeat
Was the thing that broke his heart
He stuck just outside Moscow and then made history
He stuck his hand inside his coat
And cried out bitterly (eee-eeee-eeeee)
SPOKEN (Liverpool Accent):
Where’s me shirt?
Where’s me shirt?
I can’t go on like zis, wizout my shirt
I’ve had my tickle-tonic on my nicky-nocky-nee
But I just can’t go through all this snow
Without a shirt on me
SPOKEN (Liverpool Accent):
Where’s me shirt?
Oh, sacre blue. Sacre flippin’ blue, where’s me shirt? By
Jove, t’ain’t ‘alf frosty. Ooh, ooh, this tent isn’t ‘alf
drafty. I don’t know where the draft’s comin’ from, but I
know where it’s goin’ to.
Back in eighty-one, in the mid-day sun
In Tombstone, one September
Wyatt Earp was due to go into
A gunfight he’d remember
The Clanton’s and McLourys started firin’ suddenly
As the gunsmoke cleared and the twonsfolk cheered
Wyatt Earp said quietly (eee-eeee-eeeee)
SPOKEN (Liverpool Accent):
Where’s me shirt?
Where’s me shirt?
I feel a proper twit without me shirt
I’ve lost me ticklin’-tackle and me nicky-nocky-nee
But I feel a twerp, me Wyatt Earp
With my shirt shot off o’ me
SPOKEN (Liverpool Accent):
Ere, where’s me shirt?
Where’s me gunfightin’ shirt? Ooh, I say, here comes the
Indians. ‘Ere, you be careful where you’re shootin’ those
arrows. Where’s me shirt? Where’s me shir… I can’t find
me shirt anywhere. D’you know, I’m sure I had it when I
came out. Where’s me shirt?

Comment by Graham Sweet on 2009-05-19 11:44:37 +0000

We need less nudery in the galleries – not more!

Comment by Dave on 2009-05-19 12:06:55 +0000

I’m sitting here buck naked, reading this blog.

Comment by Ricardo Terrori on 2009-05-19 12:55:12 +0000

It reminds me of some similar activity proposed years ago for a Charles Fourier, and it makes sense when I also recall that you once declared to be a “classic gas”, which is truly lovely.
I’m also sexually aroused in art galleries, but only when there is Fluxus, Thomas Hirsch-horn or Paul McCarthy stuff in it. Well, lately, some Eugenio Merino does the trick too. A groove sensation to share, for sure.
Now, to have some music at the art venue would be the shirt…I think of Yade, Sara Noxx, Scandy, Combichrist or Proyecto Mirage…
But seems important to me , that am young and excessively attractive, that the participants should be physically beautiful, or it would remain the same exhibition of ugly commodities that art usually is…

Comment by Michael Morecock on 2009-05-19 13:11:40 +0000

I have to confess that, although I’ve never been nude in an art gallery, I was once so aroused by the sight of a beautiful Rubens nude that I surrptitiously had to whip the old Bishop out of his housing and crack a swift one off the wrist. Unfortunately it was caught on security camera and the resulting video ended up in some unwashed art chappy’s ‘installation’.
You can imagine the embarrassment!

Comment by mistertrippy on 2009-05-19 13:25:15 +0000

Nice hoax but obviously the real Mike Moorcock is much more of an Austin Osman Spare than a Rubens man!

Comment by Michael Morecock on 2009-05-19 13:37:55 +0000

Oh Morecock isnt my name. It’s my reputation.

Comment by Howling Wizard, Shrieking Toad on 2009-05-19 14:10:31 +0000

I am back. Did you miss me?

Comment by Howling Wizard, Shrieking Toad on 2009-05-19 14:15:01 +0000

Just thought I’d have a look around. C’mon Toad, stop loitering!
Got to keep him in order you know.
See you soon!
I am off to my cave now. People are no good.

Comment by Michael Roth on 2009-05-19 14:54:15 +0000

I have a lot of art around my flat. Can you send Mavis over?

Comment by mistertrippy on 2009-05-19 15:12:20 +0000

We missed you Howling Wiz, and Michael why don’t you contact Mavis via her Soup profile?

Comment by Michael Roth on 2009-05-19 16:15:59 +0000

I’m way ahead of you on that front, Trip, thanks.

Comment by Tony D on 2009-05-19 23:17:01 +0000

From Art Strike to art stroke.
Incidentally this blog entry reminds me of a song by the band Video Club called ‘Modern Art Makes Me Want To Suck Cock’. This can be uploaded for you if desired.

Comment by mistertrippy on 2009-05-20 08:30:22 +0000

Hey Tony, haven’t seen you for a very long time, although I have been on your site! The Video Club song which I don’t know sounds like a gas, so great if you can uploead it!

Comment by Christopher Nudesnibor on 2009-05-20 18:22:19 +0000

..and who dosn’t like to romp around naked with works of art?
I was actually born wearing clothes, you know….

Comment by Tony D on 2009-05-20 22:33:41 +0000

Here is a link to the Video Club song.
It is in the Windows Media Audio file format, but that’s the least of our worries.
Once you’ve enjoyed that try Bongwater’s ‘Obscene And Pornographic Art’ from their Power Of Pussy album. This also references sexual desire in art galeries – this time The Museum Of Metropolitan Art.

Comment by Ricardo Terrori on 2009-05-21 00:58:13 +0000

Hey, Ken Dodd!
Is that a part of the Ulysses by James Joyce?

Comment by mistertrippy on 2009-05-21 08:53:08 +0000

Thanks Tony, can’t get it to play on the machine i’m using but once I get onto something with a windows set up, I’ve got the download….. Strange looking at all your stuff about the Autonomy Centre…I knew about the place and even knew quite a few of those involved and played gigs with some of the bands, but can’t recall ever going there… Although I would go to Wapping around that time for other reasons. My heavy gig going era was more 1977-80, so I was more selective after that, and the only reason I saw any of the bands you mention is coz I was in a group which played with some of them (DIRT, Hagar The Womb) – but those gigs were organised by our singer Eccy who was big mates with Conflict and many of the other bands on that scene…..

Comment by Tony D on 2009-05-21 22:23:17 +0000

More interesting than writing about the events on the site is discovering the stuff that people still have of thetime, photos, C90’s, flyers and so on. Recently I was sent a C90 cassette of a band playing the Wood Green Arts Centre in the early eighties, that was posted from Australia.
This evening I’ve put a load of things on the photobucket album, including Crass flyers, bits of fanzines and what the supplier describes as, “This is cuttings from the Hackney Gazette that I copied for an abortive attempt at doing East London FIN when the antisect mob who’d been doing it moved out of Stratford in their busses.”
But enough frivolilty, more art sex:
The Video Club tune now uploaded in mp3 format
And because it’s well worth hearing the sensuous voice of Ann Magnuson describing getting turned on in an art gallery:
Bongwater – Obscene And Pornographic Art in mp3 format:

Comment by mistertrippy on 2009-05-22 10:28:46 +0000

The Video Club is great, but Bongwater is even better, since it also appeals to the s-s-s-s-soul boy in me… one of the reasons I liked The Ants.

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