10 Best Winter Cold Cures

  1. Bottle of good whiskey. Get blind drunk and simply sleep until you’re over the cold!
  2. A hot sauna and followed by a dip through an ice hole into a frozen lake – then get a hot friend (straight from the sauna daddio) to beat you with birch twigs!
  3. A date with a snot sex enthusiast – if you develop performance anxieties about doing the shag nasty with someone who wants to be covered in you mucus during sex, you may well find your cold symptoms drying up!
  4. Eat a double helping of vindaloo curry and run your cold out of every orifice in your body!
  5. A flu jab (the boring solution – and it’s prevention not cure).
  6. Run a nude mini-marathon (the hair of the dog cure)!
  7. Sex magick – of course the magick doesn’t work but the power of auto-suggestion just might!
  8. Nude swingers tantric yoga – starting with deep breathing exercises of course!
  9. Count backwards from a hundred billion to one – by the time you finish your cold will be gone!
  10. Suicide – this is the extreme solution but it works every time! Once you’re dead you’ll never have a cold again!
    And while you’re at it don’t forget to check – www.stewarthomesociety.org – you know it makes (no) sense!


Comment by Harry Weiss on 2012-01-02 17:26:26 +0000

I find getting buck naked and standing on my head in the middle of Oxford Street around 11am on a freezing January day is the best way to cure a winter cold. It also stops the traffic!

Comment by TM on 2012-01-02 17:56:25 +0000

baby its cold inside!

Comment by Gloria G. on 2012-01-02 19:10:18 +0000

You can cure my cold anytime you like. Meet me by the track of the Northants railway at Cheapside Farm – I know you know where I mean…

Comment by vicky on 2012-01-02 19:56:17 +0000

I particularly like number 3! Happy New Year Stewart! vx

Comment by SC on 2012-01-02 21:02:03 +0000

Some fine suggestions there, Stewart – thought maybe following suggestion no 4 with suggestion number 7 might be a bit dicey!

Comment by Russell Brand on 2012-01-02 21:06:58 +0000

I wank myself warm every night through the winter!

Comment by Katy Perry on 2012-01-03 00:39:05 +0000

No wonder our marriage failed!

Comment by mistertrippy on 2012-01-03 03:14:34 +0000

You seem to have some religious hang ups, so go publicise yourself elsehwere!
@ SC Yes – never do sex magick (particularly if it involves the most popular form of intercourse among sex magicians) when you have the shits unless your magical partners are really into poo!

Comment by Michael Roth on 2012-01-03 05:17:05 +0000

I counted backwards from a 100 billion and I was still sick. Well, until I had that double helping of vindaloo!

Comment by mistertrippy on 2012-01-03 11:11:51 +0000

But did you remember to find someone do 69 with before you counted down through the last 68 numbers? Sorry I didn’t include that in the instructions but then I figured everyone knew to do it anyway!

Comment by Phil Sick on 2012-01-03 13:30:13 +0000

Personally I favour the vomiting cure for the winter cold. Stick your fingers down your throat and puke it all out!

Comment by Sick As A Parrot on 2012-01-03 15:47:42 +0000

It’s a shame none of these actually work coz I could do with a cold cure right now!

Comment by Billy Idol on 2012-01-03 21:35:02 +0000

I’ve always found a dog turd and tonic to be the best cure for the common cold!

Comment by Doc Benway on 2012-01-03 23:47:00 +0000

I’d advise you eat a shitburger with that dog turd and tonic to achieve maximum anti-viral effect!

Comment by William Lee on 2012-01-04 00:50:26 +0000

The Benway commenting here is a fake – everyone knows the real Benway considers the germ theory to be a nonsense! You can’t catch a cold, it is engrams making you imagine you are ill.

Comment by Dead-Eye Dick on 2012-01-04 01:38:00 +0000

I just cured my winter cold by wanking non-stop for five hours – but now I’ve got a sore willy! Do you have a cure for that?

Comment by Michael Roth on 2012-01-04 03:42:56 +0000

Really? You need someone else to 69? I always did it solo. No wonder it never cured my colds.

Comment by mistertrippy on 2012-01-04 12:42:12 +0000

Try uploading a video of yourself doing 69 solo – if that goes viral maybe it will take your cold with it!

Comment by Dr. Snowdust on 2012-01-04 13:05:08 +0000

A snort of good cocaine will clear those nasal passages every time. Don’t bother with any other medication when you have a cold.

Comment by Mrs Mills on 2012-01-04 14:17:09 +0000

I think you’d all do better sticking with hot lemon and honey.

Comment by ArranJames on 2012-01-08 00:46:20 +0000

I would recommend Quetiapine regardless of the condition.

Comment by mistertrippy on 2012-01-08 14:35:40 +0000

The common cold considered as a psychotic episode?

Comment by ArranJames on 2012-01-09 01:32:14 +0000

I’ve decided to take Gnosticism incredibly seriously.

Comment by mistertrippy on 2012-01-09 02:06:29 +0000

It’s a great way to lose all sense of perspective and systematically derange the senses – I got that way for a while myself with Plotinus. It even got to the point where I was working on a draft of what I considered to be my postmodern magnum opus entitled “Losing The Plot with Plotinus”…. But then I really lost the plot and didn’t finish it!

Comment by ArranJames on 2012-01-09 04:10:21 +0000

Unfinished works appeal to my new found Gnostic sensibility (a sensibility that I must insist I retroactively always had and which, probably, the original Gnostics plagiarised from my as yet unmeated soul.

Comment by mistertrippy on 2012-01-09 13:48:08 +0000

What about unfinnished commen…..

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