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from the secret files of the Stewart Home Society, October 2002.

Devotees of cult novelist and prankster Stewart Home will be gathering together at the Conway Hall (Red Lion Square) In London at 3pm on 14 October. They will discuss Home's taste in malt whisky (biased towards the fiery and peaty, among his favourites are Talisker, Laphroaig and Springbank), read extracts from his avant-garde pornography and make bread dolls.

The dolls are assembled from a large family loaf for the body, a smaller round loaf for the head, with French sticks used for the limbs. (peeled carrots are used as a phallus on male dolls because bread becomes soggy if sucked and isn't functional for penetrative purposes either). Bread dolls play a central role in the Home mythos as down market sex toys. They are certainly cheaper than blow up sex dolls (which start at around £40 and go up to £5000 in price) . The more perverted among Home's devotees eat bread dolls after they have been used in sex play and liberally smeared with rancid soft cheese. Home acolytes are also much given to doing jigs in flaming bread hats. Large flat loaves are coated on top with glue which is set alight. The flaming bread hat is then placed on the devotees head - with the dough acting as insulation against the flames, so while this looks dangerous, it is relatively safe if done outdoors.

If you want to get into the spirit of Home Night on 14 October (a bit like Burns Night but with bread dolls as well as whisky) - get in some booze, order some Stewart Home books (non-fiction titles include Confusion Incorporated and Mind Invaders, typical of his novels are Cunt and Blow Job) from Amazon or wherever - AND HEAD FOR A BAKER'S SHOP! You'll have great "fun".

More secret files

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