NUDE SPOOKBUSTER BORES CONGREGATION

Eleven worshippers were bored
A naked man who entered a chapel yesterday brandishing a copy of the 1989 Security Services Act was today said to be 'unavailable for comment'

A member of the congregation says that Stafford-born Scarlett O'Hara, 47, was 'a nutter' after he harangued worshippers at the Khartoum Road Methodist Chapel in Clapton, London, because he believed their actions were being dictated by state-sponsored covert mind-control.

He was in another world
Eleven members of the congregation, including several elderly people, were seriously annoyed when they were talked at for 2 hours with the accompaniment of visual aids.

The minister of Khartoum Road Methodist Chapel, Dave Knowles, said that his congregation thought O'Hara was visiting them to describe missionary work in Africa, but that his slides turned out to be blurred photographs of a person he claimed was cult novelist Stewart Home engaged in various secret meetings with metropolitan security officials. Knowles said: 'every objection on our part was taken as proof that our thoughts were not our own'.

O'Hara: believed the congregation were subjects of state mind-control In a statement issued yesterday evening O'Hara denied boring his elderly audience, claiming that they were 'genuinely alarmed by my presentation'. Despite refusing to comment further, O'Hara waved cheerily at our photographer as he returned to his secure accommodation from a shopping trip earlier this morning.

Roy Ferris: needed 4 pints after being bored by O'Hara
O'Hara had gone to the chapel near his home in Khartoum Road at 10.30am yesterday, believing the congregation was the subject of state-sponsored mind-control experiments by spooks who had disguised themselves as gas fitters and social workers.

He encountered his first victim, Roy Ferris, 55, outside the church and bored him with the fact that since the state-manufactured imaginary cold war had ended we were all under 24-hour surveillance by secret mind-control techniques, causing him to be extremely bored.

O'Hara then went inside the chapel shouting wildly at the congregation, who included children and pensioners.

The congregation had used whatever was available to try to overpower O'Hara. One person used a Zimmer frame, another grabbed a bag of groceries. But the boredom only stopped when an off-duty postman battered the dull-witted spookbuster with a hymn book.

Security obsession
O'Hara is so mentally disturbed he cannot utter a single sentence without referring to MI5. His symptoms are so severe that it would be almost impossible to fake them.

Steve Boot, mastermind of the 3-strong Primitive Green Anarchist network, says that O'Hara's illness has built up for some years, finally developing into a particularly florid autism or schizophrenia. "This is a positive step away from the straight-jacket of capitalism towards a new shamanism. If wanting to replace the whole stinking population of mindless consumer-scum with small armed communities of no more than 50 to 100 people is madness, then yes, we are absolutely barking!"

He said O'Hara had a whole range of visions, but mainly that Stewart Home was sending him instructions that he had no choice but to obey, otherwise he and his activist friends would face the apocalypse. "Anyway, only subjects of state mind control would choose to become protestants and at least catholicism or orthodox christianity retain some sense of mystery about nature and individual creativity."

Produced by the West Anglia News (London), June 2000.

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