And The World's Greatest Legal High Is… Influenza!

Flu has a bad reputation, but if you think about it you’lll soon realise that the most important thing that drugs do for you is alter your state of consciousness, and influenza can do that too! Squares denounce flu as an illness, but hipsters know it’s much more productive to look on influenza as a psychic elevator and a short cut to ‘enlightenment’.
You could spend a life-time sitting in the lotus position meditating and still never get ‘enlightened’; or you could catch flu and – as the fever takes a hold –  unlock the secrets of the universe and learn to let go of everything (or if not everything, at the very least your lunch, either via your bowels or barfed up through the mouth). With flu your dreams will be more vivid, you will experience visions that more than equal those of the Magi of old – and what’s more, you’re not lining the pockets of the local CIA operative whose been pushing you LSD (and has secretly enrolled you in a mind control programme)! In short, flu is the ultimate groove sensation.
Had I not accidentally caught flu this weekend, I would have proceeded with an ill-conceived plan I’d formed to write and post a blog about the film Norwegian Ninja (2010, directed by Thomas Cappelen Malling). When I’d watched Norwegian Ninja, I’d been severely disappointed that it came nowhere close to the bad craziness of director Godfrey Ho’s 1980s ninja flicks – and in particular that spectacularly inept holy grail of Grade Z movie making Scorpion Thunderbolt (1988, starring Richard Harrison and Juliet Chan).
Catching flu expanded my consciousness and made me realise that I couldn’t be arsed writing a critique of Norwegian Ninja; and instead I found myself imbibing large quantities of Spingbank Malt Whisky (for medicinal purposes only, of course) and experiencing hour upon hour of extremely vivid lucid dreaming. As the greatest legal high of all time, influenza not only provided me with a whole series of crazy sensations – I felt like I’d been wrapped in cotton wool and then battered with a sledge hammer – it also made me more creative (after all this blog about legal highs is way better than one about Norwegian Ninja)!
Oh, and influenza helped me save on my fuel bills too, coz I was sweating away in my bed and didn’t need to put on the heating! What’s more, influenza can help you lose weight as well, coz when you’ve got flu you really don’t feel like eating! With flu there is no need for expensive dietary supplements, you can lose weight on the cheap!
So kids, if you want to experience some serious highs this winter, catch a does of flu and you’ll find yourself having a gas! And if a doctor or nurse offers you a jab of flu vaccine, just say ‘NO’ – coz you don’t wanna let the man mess with your fun! Flu rocks and unfortunately it’s not even addictive, since your body builds up immunity to the various strains after catching them…
And remember, don’t believe the medical hype that paints flu in a negative light – it’s better than most drugs, and if you catch it then your croak will write you a sick note giving you time off work too! What more could you want, and what are you waiting for? Catch flu now!
And while you’re at it don’t forget to check – – you know it makes (no) sense!


Comment by Acid Causualty on 2011-10-10 14:54:11 +0000

If you think flu is ‘a groove sensation’ then you obviously ain’t tried double pneumonia yet – boy have you got a treat in store!

Comment by mistertrippy on 2011-10-10 15:41:08 +0000

Double pneumonia is for the dedicated head. Flu doesn’t last as long and is for the less hardcore, that’s why it’s more popular and for me is still the world’s greatest legal high. Most people just don’t have enough time in their lives for double pneumonia!

Comment by India Freek on 2011-10-10 16:29:54 +0000

You’re both talking out of your backsides! Any experienced head will tell you that Lassa fever is the greatest legal high in the world!

Comment by Blaster Al on 2011-10-10 17:08:52 +0000

You lot make me laugh! Everyone knows botulism is way better as a legal high than flu, double pneumonia & lassa fever! I caught botulism once from a clam supreme surprise that David Zack had made from past its use by date sea food. Everyone who ate that meal got quite a surprise when they woke up the next day with botulism. I went around for several days thinking I was a train & going ‘toot toot’…..

Comment by Brixton Rambler on 2011-10-10 17:29:32 +0000

Malaria compares quite favourably with DMT, but stay away from cerebal malaria. You don’t generally come back from that trip.

Comment by jonny cowee on 2011-10-10 22:00:47 +0000

Back in the mid 80s I had an intense dose of flu whilst working nightshifts in a homeless shelter. The massed snoring of 60 sleeping alchoholics, psych patients and smackheads formed a bizzarrely beatiful oceanic backdrop to my perspiration-drenched febrile hallucinations. I was reading “Crime & Punishment” and I WAS Raskolnikov (jjust as a few years previously I WAS Alex whilst watching Kubric’s Clockwork Orange, leading to a retrospectively embbarrassing incident in which I entered a stranger’s house and told him to leave as I’d lived there all my life). Anyway the reading of Dostoevsky on a flu trip led me to being received into the Russian Orthodox Church, which is mmore than I ever got off a drug bought from an urchin or prescribed by a shrink. And it’s an excuse to neck copiously from bottles of Original Benelyn (“why would I want “non drowsy”? I cough and rant at the Boots shop assistant).

Comment by mistertrippy on 2011-10-10 22:19:26 +0000

Possibly the worst bout of flu I ever had was in Dundee in 1985. The friend I was staying with wasn’t exactly sympathetic and thought it was just an excuse for not going on a long walk with overnight camping stops across the Scottish Highlands… Still the lucid dreaming was incredible – something I always seem to get with flu! Lucid dreaming for me back then was a chance to do the shag nasty with everyone I’ve ever wanted to but never had a chance to ask – although I tended to do that 95% of the time in my non-lucid dreams too at that time as well… and those I asked always seemed to say yes regardless of whether it was lucid or non-lucid dreaming… These days dreaming (lucid and non-lucid) seems to have more to do with obtaining deep insights into the nature of the world and reality – and with it an ability to defy gravity and other natural laws, so that I’m able to walk up and down walls etc… And cough medicine yes! When I was that mythical beast ‘a teenager’ I had a group of friend who were obsessed with necking Actifed, regardless of whether they were ill or not!

Comment by SD on 2011-10-10 23:51:13 +0000

For a real hallucinatory experience try new improved Salmonella! SEE horses trot past your bed and squid emerge from your walls! TALK to people who are not there! LOSE two stone in a week! You know it makes (no) sense!

Comment by Eldritch Weird on 2011-10-11 00:27:09 +0000

Withdrawal is a groovy high too it has been said!

Comment by Medical Doctor on 2011-10-11 00:57:54 +0000

I’m now on day nine of what started as a bad cold and just kept on rolling. To be honest, I’m bored sick of it now (no pun intended).

Comment by mistertrippy on 2011-10-11 11:59:32 +0000

Sorry to hear that MD. I’m over my fever now, just left with a cough and snot – so the lucid dreaming has stopped. Of course I’m not hardcore enough to have done dengue fever – although I hear some swear by it for far-out dreams!

Comment by i on 2011-10-11 12:44:04 +0000

I’m back with the same question. Are you on drugs?

Comment by mistertrippy on 2011-10-11 16:15:37 +0000

Okay, I admit it, I took some paracetamol at the weekend. What’s the big deal? It’s legal in the UK, and as far as I know everywhere in the world – you can buy it in any supermarket or chemist!

Comment by j on 2011-10-11 17:54:18 +0000


Comment by World Health Organisation on 2011-10-11 19:53:28 +0000

Flu is not to be sneezed at, it kills hundreds of thousands every year.

Comment by The Ghost of Joey Ramone on 2011-10-11 21:06:08 +0000

I’m still stuck on glue…. although Carbona ain’t bad….

Comment by The Ghost of Johnny Ramone on 2011-10-11 22:09:53 +0000

Carbona not glue!

Comment by Fu Manchu on 2011-10-11 22:29:27 +0000

Flu is strictly for the birds! I’d like to unleash the bubonic plague on the world one more time!

Comment by MTM on 2011-10-11 23:09:18 +0000

It’s funny SD says that… I’d Salmonella twice… Both times from eating cakes… Bad cakes! It seems you get it from the cream… And imagine if one of the dreams was lucid that I was only six and still I remember… I didn’t see horses trot past my bed but I did think I was hidden inside one of them… And I’m not joking!

Comment by Matias on 2011-10-11 23:42:12 +0000

Yes I always look forward to the flu. Or is it the Nyquil?

Comment by Michael Roth on 2011-10-12 05:29:06 +0000

Sure, the hallucinatory dream state from the flu is groovy. What I hate is the downtime for the recovery!

Comment by mistertrippy on 2011-10-12 12:12:02 +0000

Me too!

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